


BETTER NOW

by Yeleli_tilki



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Brain Surgery, M/M, Memory Loss, Not Cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2018-10-25 23:08:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 28,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10774404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeleli_tilki/pseuds/Yeleli_tilki
Summary: Aaron is still in prison and Robert is struggling to keep everything on track. Then, when his health takes a turn for the worse, Robert must deal with the consequences of keeping his sickness a secret. Will Robert lose everyone he loves at the time he needs them the most?ROBRON! Very Robert-centric though, especially in the first few chapters. Oh, and SPOILER: Yes, there's a happy ending for Robron. Duh. Who do you think you're talking to?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... I've decided to take some of the stuff that happened while Aaron was in prison and add a spin to it: Robert has a brain tumor. Basically, I wanted to make Robert completely not responsible for his actions so Aaron could forgive him more easily. That being said, I really like angsty storylines so... it won't be quite that cut and dry... but there will be a happy ending for the two of them so don't worry ;)
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys!

CHAPTER 1:

Aaron was struggling. Every time Robert went to visit, his husband looked a little thinner, a little gaunter, a little less alive. But whenever he asked if anything had happened, Aaron would shrug him off and refuse to tell him what was going on. 

It was driving Robert mad. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. He jetted from one job to another: picking Liv up from school, working on the Mill, the scrapyard, working with Nicola… He barely had time to think during the day, to miss his husband. That was for the best. But the nights, the nights when he was meant to be sleeping, he’d lie awake missing the familiar weight pressing down on the mattress next to him. 

He couldn’t sleep. Not a wink. 

And then it’d be morning again and he’d be off. He had breakfast to make, little sister-in-laws to convince to go to class, mother-in-laws to help lift and transport huge kegs of beer for. 

It took a toll. Of course it did. He was tired all the time, the circles under his eyes now etched so deeply they looked like bruises. He got eyebrows raised at him every once in a while, heard people ask each other under their breath if he’d gotten into a fight. 

He also lost weight. A lot of weight. All of his clothes now hung off his body oddly. This too attracted stares, but he didn’t care. Everything would go back to normal once Aaron was home. 

He began to have trouble focusing, at work, at home. He couldn’t keep his attention on any one thing for longer than a few minutes. But that was to be expected. The brain wasn’t meant to function without sleep. 

“Robert?” Liv’s annoyed voice jerked Robert back to the present moment.

He forced his eyes to focus on the haughty girl standing in front of him, glaring at him. Had she been talking to him? He hadn’t even noticed. “Sorry, Liv. I checked out for a minute there.” He said to her apologetically.

She shook her head, her jaw set stiffly. “You know what, never mind. I’ll do it myself.” 

Robert reached out a hand and caught her arm. “Liv, wait, I’m sorry. What did you need?” 

She turned back to him slowly, taking in now just how tired he looked, hearing the exhaustion in his voice. “It’s fine, really.” She said, her voice quieter. “I can handle it.”

Robert tilted his head, hearing the change in her tone. “Liv,” he responded, his brows knitting together, “ask me. It’s what I’m here for.”

She peeked at him. “It’s just this project for school… I was gonna ask for your help.”

“Of course I’ll help.” Robert told her. And he did. He managed to keep the fog from settling over his brain long enough to help her. And then he was stumbling up to his and Aaron’s room, wobbling with tiredness. He fell onto the mattress and lay with his eyes closed, praying for sleep to claim him. 

* * * *

It was morning. His alarm woke him up for the first time in what felt like weeks. He opened his eyes and then snapped them shut again, cringing away from the light shining in through the window. He opened his eyes again, carefully, and squinted around the room. His head throbbed as the light dilated his pupils. And then it kept throbbing. All day.

Nicola raised an eyebrow at him when he walked into the office wearing sunglasses. “Migraine.” He grumbled in her direction, before heading to his desk.

At least that’s what he thought it was. When he’d typed light sensitivity and headache into a search engine, that’s what it spit out. 

He didn’t get migraines. He didn’t used to.

They became a common occurrence after that, though. A few hours before onset, the view out of his right eye would go blurry. And then the pain would start building behind that same eye. It would build and build until there was a steady, agonizing pounding, like a base drum in his head. Boom. Boom. Boom. 

Sometimes it would be so bad, he’d get sick. Other times, he’d have to lower himself to the floor and wait out an especially bad dizzy spell. But eventually they would pass, or at least the worst parts would pass, and he could get on with his day.

He felt one coming on as he trudged into the Woolpack one afternoon. His feet were dragging, his steps clumsy, as he walked towards the back, not even acknowledging Chas. He didn’t have it in him to lift his head right now, to focus his eyes long enough to make eye contact, to handle the boisterous atmosphere of the crowded pub. It was too loud. It was too bright. 

He shoved his way through the door, ambling down the hallway towards the stairs. The lights were on. All of them. What was Chas trying to do? Their electricity bill was going to be massive. 

It was too damn bright. He reached to turn off the switch, missing completely and falling into the wall as he lost his balance. He squinted around him, nausea rolling over him as the light of the room seemed to grow brighter and brighter. He held his hands over his eyes, trying to block it out, and sank down so he was sitting on the floor. He listened to the pounding inside his head and breathed deeply, attempting to combat the nausea.

After a while, he realized it wasn’t going to get better anytime soon. He needed to get up to his and Aaron’s room. He didn’t want Chas or Liv walking in and finding him curled up in the hallway. They would worry. They’d tell Aaron he wasn’t doing well. Aaron had enough to deal with.

So he crawled, crawled all the way to the bottom of the stairs, his eyes slits, his head held as steady as possible, with every small movement increasing the tempo of the beat pounding inside his skull. He pulled himself slowly up, hanging onto the railing for dear life, using it to drag himself up the stairs. 

He made it all the way to his and Aaron’s room before he blacked out. 

He woke up a few hours later and wondered why he was on the floor. He put a hand to his head and pulled it away wet with blood. He grabbed one of his shirts laying on the floor and held it up to the gash there. It didn’t seem like a bad head wound. He’d need stitches though.

He sighed when he realized he’d have to wake up Chas. No way could he drive like this. He swayed as he moved down the hallway towards Chas’s room, light-headed from the blood loss. He knocked on her door.

“Chas?” His voice was unexpectedly weak. He tried again, increasing in volume. “Chas?” He heard a sudden scuffle of feet as more than one person began to move agitatedly around Chas’s room, bumping into furniture and collecting discarded articles of clothing off the floor. He heard a muttering coming from inside in a voice that sounded a lot like—

Patty opened the door with a huff, mid-complaint before he caught sight of the bloody T shirt Robert was holding to his head. “It’s the middle of the damn night, Robert. What the hell do ya think you’re—.” His eyes widened and his words cut off.

“I need a ride to the ER.” He said in explanation, gesturing unnecessarily up at his head. 

Chas appeared beside Patty, her brow furrowed with worry. “What happened?” She asked, moving forward and carefully lifting the T shirt so she could get a look at the wound.

Robert shrugged, avoiding the question with vaguery. “Fell. Hit my head.”

Chas looked at him, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes, noticing the way he wasn’t meeting her or Patty’s eyes. He was hiding something. 

Chas had grown strangely fond of Robert, despite their extremely rocky start. Well, she’d grown fond of the way he was with her son. Because no one could deny, not Liv, not her, not even Patty, that Robert made Aaron happy, happier than anyone or anything had ever made him before. But she also knew that Robert Sugden had a side to him that she didn’t like, that she could never trust. 

He was hiding something and, whatever it was, she was pretty sure it wasn’t good. She was pretty sure that it was something that would hurt her son. And that meant that she couldn’t just leave it alone and let things play out. She’d have to do some digging, figure out what exactly Robert Sugden was trying to hide.

But, for now, she pushed the suspicions and doubts to the back of her mind and lead Robert outside to her car. “Patty, stay and make sure Liv has something to eat before school, won’t you love?” Patty stammered in his usual way, not managing to output coherent speech before they’d both closed their car doors and started driving away.

* * * *

“Well?” Chas inquired demandingly. They’d barely been driving a minute before she started digging. 

“Well… what?” Robert asked weakly, his concentration scattered. He didn’t have to energy to put on a good lie right now, let alone the circulation.

“What really happened? How’d you really get that?” Chas gestured to his head wound. Her eyes flickered to his face, gauging his reaction, before returning to he road.

Robert sighed. He didn’t have the strength of mind to do anything other then tell the truth, but maybe he’d leave out the chronic part and say he’d just had one migraine. Today. That didn’t sound too worrisome. Chas wouldn’t feel the need to bother Aaron with something so minor, right?

“I had a bad headache all day. It got worse when I got back home and I had some kind of dizzy spell. I must have passed out and, when I woke up, my head was split open.” He shrugged. “That’s what happened.” And it was. Exactly. There were just no superfluous details included…

Chas’s brows knitted together, her eyes flickering between his face and the road. “Robert, that’s not normal. Why didn’t you say something?”

He shook his head, stopping when it made him dizzy. “I’m fine.” She looked unconvinced so he continued. “I haven’t been sleeping well, you know, with Aaron gone. I’ll be just fine once we get him out of that place.”

Chas pulled into the hospital parking lot in silence and then turned to look at her son-in-law. He didn’t look alright. Not at all. He was too thin, too exhausted, too pale. How had she not noticed him deteriorating before her eyes? Was he really like this because he was worried about Aaron, because he was missing him? She still had a nagging feeling he was hiding something and it made her want to continue to pry, but her son-in-law, honestly, didn’t look like he could remain conscious much longer.

She shook herself and got out of the car, going around to the other side to help Robert out of his seat and into the hospital. He was unsteady on his feet. She supported his weight as best she could, her worry growing as she realized what he’d said. He’d passed out and hit his head and woken up hours later, which meant he’d been bleeding from his head wound that entire time. She quickened her pace, calling out for help as soon as she got close enough to a group of nurses for them to hear her. 

The nurses reacted very quickly and professionally and Robert was being wheeled away in a wheel chair, one nurse already shining a light in his eyes and examining the gash on his head, before Chas knew it. She watched him disappear behind a corner and wondered if she should have gone with him. Too late now. She fell into a chair in the waiting room and prepared for a long wait.

* * * *

The doctor that showed up to examine him made quick work of the gash in his forward, numbing the area and stitching him up cleanly. It was after, when he was getting more lights shined in his eyes, when he was getting asked questions about how he’d hit his head, that the doctor started to frown. “I’d like you to get a CT scan before you leave to make sure there isn’t any bleeding—“

Robert shook his head. “That’s not necessary. I’m fine.” He said, standing up and moving towards the door. “Thank you for your help, doctor.”

The doctor’s frown deepened, but she accepted the refusal with a nod and handed Robert a sheet of paper discussing concussion symptoms and signs. “Read through this. If you start to notice any symptoms, come back in. No sleeping for the next twelve hours either.”

Robert nodded and accepted the paper, heading out of the exam room and signing himself out at the desk. 

Chas walked over from where she’d been seated in the waiting room. “Is everything alright, then?”

Robert smiled tiredly. “Everything’s fine. Clean bill of health.” He headed towards the door and she followed behind, unable to shake the feeling that he’d just lied to her.

Robert walked ahead of Chas, not wanting her to get a look at his face at the moment. He wasn’t firing on all cylinders after the night he’d had and he couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t realize he was avoiding the subject and start asking him for details if she watched him too closely. Somehow, he felt like he’d be in trouble if she found out the doctor had wanted to do a CT and he’d said no. But he just… wasn’t up for it. He couldn’t handle more bad news right now, couldn’t handle finding out something was wrong when Aaron was still stuck in prison and he had so many damn responsibilities. 

But he wasn’t stupid. He knew at this point that, yes, there was something wrong. The migraines. The fainting. Stress and heartache could only do so much damage. Even lack of sleep didn’t explain all of his symptoms. Something wasn’t right inside his head, but he could deal with it later, once Aaron was back, once his support system was back in place. 

He just had to make it until Aaron came home.

END of CHAPTER 1


	2. CHAPTER 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert finds out about Aaron's drug use and has the fateful and horribly depressing prison visit (just like on the show). She-who-shall-not-be-named gets what she's always wanted (just like on the show). Chas finds out (just like on the show) and they hide it from Aaron (just like on the show). So, basically, everything happens just like it did on the show, except there's a reason behind Robert's behavior this time around...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the thing with you-know-whatsherface upset everyone on the show quite a bit. I guess I wanted to find a way to make it (arguably) not Robert's fault so that's partially why it's in here... to help me cope... 
> 
> Anyhow, I'm always open to comments, even if they're critical, so feel free to write down your thoughts and please do enjoy <3
> 
> WARNING: ANGST and a CLIFFHANGER so... yah I'm super duper mean ;D

CHAPTER 2

Aaron was using. Liv had come clean, told him what was going on, and now he was sitting in front of his husband, asking him to stop, asking him not to do anything to compromise his appeal. “Aaron, Liv needs ya. I need ya. Please, you have to stop.”

But Aaron didn’t care about that. Robert was useless to him there. Their future together was something he couldn’t even picture anymore. The only thing on his mind was surviving, surviving that place, one day at a time, and he needed the drugs to do that.

The younger man was so out of it, drugged into numbness, with only bitterness as a guide for the words he said. The entire time they spoke, Aaron barely looked at him, didn’t even notice the puckered pink line now running along his hairline. He didn’t even have to use the story he’d come up with to explain how he’d been injured because his husband never even asked.

When Aaron walked out of the visitation room, Robert remembered sitting there, his mind going hazy. And then one of the prison guards was tapping him on the shoulder and telling him the hour for visitation was over. Aaron hadn’t come back.

He left the prison, ambling over to his car, feeling strangely disconnected from his body. Was it all over then? Had Aaron just… had Aaron just broken up with him? He sat in his car, staring out the windshield for over an hour. His head started to hurt, the light shining in his eyes becoming uncomfortable. He sighed and his body went into autopilot as he drove home. As he pulled up outside the Woolpack, he changed his mind about going in and, instead, pulled back out onto the road and drove to the mill. 

He wanted to be alone, alone with his pain and his jumbled thoughts, alone with a bottle of something strong. 

That’s the last thing he remembered thinking. After that, his memory went blank. 

* * * *

Rebecca was there, lying next to him, when he woke up the next morning. He looked down at himself. Shit. Had he slept with her? He had, hadn’t he? He put a hand to his head, covering his eyes. Oh no. 

“Morning.” Rebecca purred, rolling towards him and placing a hand on his chest. He felt tears prick at his eyes as he sat up quickly and moved around the room, collecting his clothing and dressing in a hurry. He heard Rebecca sit up and felt her eyes on his back. “Where are you going, Robert?” 

He didn’t look at her, continuing to hunt for his clothing. He noticed an empty liquor bottle tipped over by the wall. Shit. He must have gotten drunk, so drunk that he thought it was a good idea to invite Rebecca over and… He closed his eyes against the thought. He wouldn’t do that to Aaron. He wouldn’t. He’d promised.

He stooped to pull his shoes on and felt Rebecca come up behind him. “Robert?” Her voice was half stern, half sad now. “Why are you—?”

He brushed her hand away, turning towards her, his eyes averted. “Look, Bex… I don’t know what happened last night… I mean, I can guess, but… it shouldn’t have happened. I was upset. I wasn’t thinking straight—“

Her eyes hardened and she slapped him across the face. Lights danced before his eyes. “I knew it.” She said bitterly. “I knew, deep down, that you were just using me. I should’ve trusted my gut.” She shook her head, her eyes glassy with tears. “I expect you’ll want me to keep this a secret from Aaron, right? You’re going to just go running back to him aren’t ya?”

Robert kept his eyes averted. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. And he was. She was his friend, his only friend, and he’d used her feelings for him against her, used her to self-destruct. 

He finished dressing as Rebecca strode out of the room, her clothes in her arms. He sat there, hearing her move about the house angrily. His head fell into his hands. Another migraine was coming on. Fast. He slid down to the floor, lowering himself gently, and letting his head loll back against the side of the bed. The room grew brighter. Dammit. He closed his eyes and prepared to wait it out. 

And then there was another time jump, his memories blanked out, erased.

And, suddenly, Chas was yelling in his face, screaming at him, calling him every horrible name she could think of. He was backed against a wall in the entryway of the mill, his hands raised in surrender. She must have found out about him and Rebecca. What else could have made her so angry? 

He tuned into what she was yelling. “You cheating, lying son of a bitch—“

His head went fuzzy and her voice cut out once more. He lowered his head and let her scream herself hoarse. And then she was telling him to pack his things, that he was done, that he was going to visit Aaron, today, and tell him what he’d done. He nodded meekly. What could he say? She was right. He’d fucked up. He just didn’t remember.

They arrived at the prison, seating themselves next to each other in the visitation room. Aaron walked in soon after, his eyes scanning the room, settling on Robert, and filling with tears. He sat down across from them, gaze trained on Robert. He looked even worse than he had the day before, rings under his eyes, his clothes too big on him, red splotches on his cheeks from crying. “Robert.” He said pleadingly. “I’m so sorry.” 

Robert didn’t look at him. Tears threatened to leak from his eyes as he responded miserably. “Not as sorry as I am.” 

Chas stared disbelievingly at her son. He was a mess. She glanced at Robert. He was preparing to confess, right here, right now. And she had to stop him. Aaron couldn’t handle losing Robert while he was still in here. She could see it in his face. He was barely hanging on. She cut across Robert, who’d just opened his mouth to speak, making something up, something to take the place of the truth, something about Robert going on a rampage at the Mill and breaking the furniture. 

Aaron seemed to buy it, with only a small crease remaining between his brows as he watched them leave. 

Robert walked with his eyes on the ground. She could tell he felt guilty, but, at this point, that wasn’t good enough. She’d known he was hiding something the other day. She’d known. She should have realized right away what it was. Of course he was having an affair. He was Robert flamin’ Sugden. The story he’d told her about how he’d hurt his head was probably a lie. She’d been stupid enough to trust him with her son’s heart, even after everything he’d done, and now everything was blowing up in her face, in her son’s face. She wouldn’t let him get away with it. She wouldn’t let him hurt her son anymore. “You’re telling him, as soon as he gets out, you’re telling him the truth. If you don’t, I will.” She said, striding away from him more quickly, leaving him trailing morosely behind her. She got to the car and slid into the driver’s seat, a wicked thought occurring to her as she did. She started the engine and pulled out of the parking space, rolling down her window and yelling to a surprised Robert, “Find your own ride. And don’t even think about going back to the mill or the pub. You lost that privilege.” She drove off, a tight smile on her face. Son of a bitch deserved it.

Robert watched as Chas drove off, leaving him stranded in the prison parking lot. He didn’t feel right. The entire visit with Aaron was horrible. He’d had to lie; that was what was best for Aaron. His husband would do something stupid if he told him the truth about Rebecca right now. He’d wreck his chances for an appeal. But the lie, even more than the cheating, felt like a betrayal. He didn’t remember cheating. He couldn’t deny he’d done it, but he didn’t remember. But this… he’d consciously decided to lie to his husband. It made his insides squirm with discomfort. 

His vision was getting spotty again and he swayed on his feet. This was not a good time to be stranded in the middle of nowhere. He sat down on the curb, not wanting to fall and earn himself another head wound. The pulsating started behind his right eye, signaling yet another migraine coming on. 

They were getting more frequent and more incapacitating every day. He needed to go back and see the doctor. It had been stupid to put it off. He couldn’t be functional the way he was now. 

He reached into his jacket pocket for his phone. It wasn’t there. He’d left it on his bedside table in his rush to dress that morning, along with his wallet. His head was pounding now, his vision deteriorating as he sat there. Oh no. And then he was slumping over, his eyes closing as he lost consciousness.

END of CHAPTER 2


	3. CHAPTER 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert gets a diagnosis. Aaron gets out of lockup. Robert comes clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm... I think I might be addicted to cliffhangers...

CHAPTER 3

Robert woke up to the beeping of monitors, the light of the hospital room shining too bright in his eyes. A nurse noticed he was awake almost immediately and called out for the doctor, who came in from the hallway with a frown on her face. It was the same doctor who’d stitched up his head wound just days before.

“How’s your head feeling, Robert?” She asked, peering down at his chart. He shrugged in answer. His head always seemed to be hurting a little, lately, but he supposed it wasn’t that bad in comparison to the pain he’d felt earlier when he’d passed out. “This is the second time you’ve been brought in after passing out due to an, as of yet, undiagnosed cause. I’m afraid I’ll have to insist we do a CT scan this time.”

Robert nodded, not stupid enough to ignore medical advice a second time. It took a few hours for the tests to be performed. Apparently there was a huge waiting list for the CT machine that morning. By the time the doctor returned, it was late afternoon and he was getting antsy. He had things to do, his responsibilities weighing on his mind more and more every second. Chas might be done with him, but he’d told Aaron he’d keep everything from falling apart until he got back, that when he got out of prison, all the important things in his life would still be there waiting for him. He realized Aaron would want nothing to do with him once he found out he’d cheated, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still need to do the things he’d promised Aaron he would do, to take care of the things he’d promised Aaron he would take care of. 

“Mr. Sugden?” The doctor asked, looking concerned. “Just now, did you hear what I told you?”

Robert lifted his gaze to meet hers. “No, sorry, I… lost focus for a second. What did you say?”

The doctor’s brows pulled together. “Your scans revealed several abnormal masses in your brain… brain tumors. From the worsening of symptoms you’ve described, they’re most likely growing in size and increasing the pressure inside your skull.” Robert closed his eyes and let out a strange noise, a chuckle devoid of humor. Of course he had a fucking brain tumor. Of course. Or was it several? Fan-friggin-tastic. The doctor continued, the look on her face nothing but sympathetic. “I have to recommend that we operate as soon as possible. You’re already experiencing severe migraines and fainting spells, which means your symptoms have progressed past where we would have originally diagnosed this kind of condition. In addition, the sooner we can biopsy the tumors and find out if they’re malignant, the sooner we can determine what kind of treatment plan we’ll need going forward. We really shouldn’t wait, Mr. Sugden.” 

Robert lowered his head, and spoke in a sad voice. “I need to talk to my husband.” 

* * * *

The doctor had protested against Robert leaving the hospital, reminding him he could suffer another fainting spell at any time, that the pressure pushing down on his brain would continue to increase and make his symptoms worse. But he needed to tell Aaron what was going on. And, he supposed, he also needed to tell Vic. They both deserved to know, being the only people in the world that loved him. 

His eyelids drooped and it was a struggle to stay awake, but he knew he couldn’t wait. He had to get the words out today. He was almost out of time. 

His phone rang, the name of Aaron’s barrister showing on the screen. An appeal. Aaron was getting an appeal. It was soon, too, soon enough that maybe he could wait to tell Aaron about his diagnosis until after he was free. That would be better for Aaron, wouldn’t it? His husband just needed to survive in that place a few more days and then he’d be out. And then Robert could tell him, everything. Maybe he’d understand; maybe he’d forgive him. It’d be selfish to tell him now, to upset him and potentially mess up his chances at an appeal. It’d be selfish, right? Robert rubbed a hand over his face. He just had to hang on for a couple days, that was all.

* * * * 

Robert sat in the back of the courtroom, his heart beating like mad in his chest. Aaron was free. The decision had just been made.

The time to come clean was fast approaching. He felt like he couldn’t catch his breath. 

As Aaron stood up, a half-disbelieving smile on his face, he turned to find Robert’s face in the crowd of his loved ones. Robert could feel the wetness welling up in his eyes. Aaron moved towards him and they embraced each other, blocking out everyone and everything else in the room for just a moment. And then Aaron was being pulled in a thousand different directions, all the Dingles scrambling to congratulate him. Robert felt himself get shunted over to the side. He didn’t mind, though. It made him happy to see Aaron be so loved by everyone around him. It gave him the comforting realization that, even if he couldn’t always be there for Aaron, there were plenty of other people that would be. At least he could be sure of that.

They all moved as a cheering mob out of the courthouse and then made their ways to their respective cars. Aaron said the last of his temporary goodbyes and then followed after Robert towards the car. Robert could feel Chas staring daggers into the back of his head as they walked together. 

They didn’t speak, just loaded themselves into the car and sat next to each other in silence for a moment, reveling in the privacy they hadn’t had for months. Aaron spoke before Robert could even open his mouth. “It’s finally over.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t believe it’s finally over. I really get to go back home.” Aaron looked at him with wide eyes. “I didn’t think that would happen.” There was an apology in his voice, an apology for the nightmare of a visit that had thrown their lives into disarray. 

Robert couldn’t stand it. He looked down, ashamed, at his hands. “Aaron… we have,” he sighed sadly, “we have a lot we need to talk about.” He raised his gaze to meet Aaron’s. “But first, you have a welcome home party to get to, so let’s just put the heavy stuff off for just a bit longer, yeah?” 

Aaron’s brow was furrowed with worry, now, but he swallowed down the ominous feeling riling his stomach and nodded. “After.” He said, confirming, his eyes remaining on Robert’s face as his husband focused on driving them to the pub.

It was a true Dingle party and Aaron was kept busy by his family for the entire thing. Robert spent most of his time avoiding Chas’s accusing stare and chatting with Liv. 

It didn’t take Robert long to notice Liv’s awkwardness around Aaron. She had trouble meeting her brother’s eyes and she seemed unsure about whether he wanted her there. Robert guessed the cause easily. She’d told him about Aaron using and now she felt like she’d betrayed her brother’s trust, like she’d been the cause of their fight in the visitation room. Robert set about dissipating her insecurities immediately. If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was manipulate people’s feelings. For once, maybe some good could come out of that. 

He had her laughing and dripping sarcasm like her usual self by the end of the party. She smiled at him gratefully as the last of the Dingles filed out of the pub and got up to go give Aaron a proper hug. He looked surprised, at first, at her show of affection and then he looked happy, so happy, as he hugged her back tightly.

Chas walked over to where Robert was sitting and smiling at the brother-sister bonding happening in front of him, and purposefully blocked his view. He looked up at her, flinching slightly at the hatred in her eyes. “You’ll tell him tonight. I won’t have you swanning around like the doting husband for any longer. I want you out.” She spat the last part, her expression stiff, like just looking at his face long enough to issue her warning was a chore. 

Robert nodded mutely, his eyes sad. He couldn’t help but be hurt by this sudden return to the way things used to be. Chas hated him again. It almost felt like all the progress he’d made, all the personal growth, was for nothing. He was back to square one where she was concerned. 

There was also a small ache in his chest, a feeling of loss. It may have only been for a short while, but Chas had become a part of his family, had been included in Robert’s very short list of people he could call if he ever needed help. She’d driven him to the hospital when he’d hit his head… and that had meant quite a bit. There just weren’t that many people who would do something like that for him. And now there was one less.

* * * *

By the time Aaron, Liv, and Robert finally made their way outside together, it was quite late and they were all tired. Robert drove them home in silence. Aaron watched his face, waiting for the heavy stuff, not having been distracted for one moment from the fact that Robert had said they needed to talk. The entire party his insides had been squirming with discomfort. Robert didn’t say things like that to him unless there was something serious, something really serious, that needed to be discussed. Aaron wasn’t an idiot. He knew this was going to hurt, that whatever Robert had to tell him was going to hurt like hell. 

But the longer he looked at Robert, the more he realized his husband didn’t look like himself. He’d noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the way he’d seemed paler than usual, during their visits. He’d known Robert was struggling without him there, trying to take care of both of their responsibilities all by himself. But this was different. Robert looked unwell, a small, unfamiliar crease between his eyebrows, like he was fighting a headache, a strange glassiness to his eyes, like it was an effort to keep them open in the glare of streetlights. Was this stress? Was whatever Robert had to tell him having this much of a physical impact on his husband?

Robert pulled up by the Mill. Aaron half carried a tired Liv up to her room, where she collapsed still dressed into her bed. Then he climbed back down the stairs, hesitating on every single step, knowing he was drawing closer and closer to a conversation he didn’t want to have. Robert sat on the sofa, absentmindedly massaging his temple. He looked up, squinting slightly, as Aaron came back into the room. 

Aaron swallowed. “Babe, do you have a headache? You want to take something for it?” He frowned as Robert snorted humorlessly in response, shaking his head in dismissal.

Robert sighed, then, and looked unhappily into Aaron’s face. “I’ve got to come clean about something. I need you to listen all the way to the end because it’s… complicated. Promise you’ll hear me out, before you decide… what to do.”

Aaron’s frown deepened, but he nodded and whispered. “Okay.” 

And then Robert said the words, sort of blurted them out without any warning. He didn’t mean to do it like that, but his head was starting to get fuzzy and he could tell he didn’t have much time before he had another episode. It was now or never. 

“I slept with Rebecca.”

END of CHAPTER 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, but, the cliffhanger addiction tho...
> 
> It's a real problem.


	4. CHAPTER 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get out of hand. WARNING: Tearjerker ahead. Not a happy chapter.
> 
> But I hope you'll read it anyway <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erm... I'm not trying to make anyone cry, I swear. It's just... things have to get angsty before they get lovey-dovey and happy because... ya know... plot.
> 
> But hang in there for me and I'll give you guys a happily ever after at the end ;D

CHAPTER 4

“I slept with Rebecca.”

There was a long silence. Aaron’s mouth dropped open and he stared. 

And then it all came tumbling out. “After that visit at the prison, I was so upset… I drove back to the Mill… got drunk.” He watched Aaron’s eyes flash as the anger built up inside him. He spoke faster. “I must have asked her to come over, but I don’t remember…” He took a hitched deep breath and then: 

“Because… I blacked out, before the drinking, before I even got back to the Mill. I’ve… been sick for a while now. I’ve been getting migraines, really bad migraines. I didn’t want to worry you while you were inside. But, Aaron, that’s why I don’t remember. I know I did a horrible thing, but I wasn’t… I really wasn’t myself… I mean, I wasn’t… please see that I would never… if I’d been in my right mind, I would never have betrayed you like that. I’m so sorry.” 

At least, that’s what Robert would have said, had Aaron’s fist not smashed into his jaw and sent him careening into the coffee table. 

The impact sent shards of pain stabbing at his already aching brain and he felt a dull throbbing begin to pulse like a second heartbeat from the gash the sharp corner had opened up in his harm. He applied pressure to the wound on instinct, hissing at the pain. His vision wavered, but he managed to get a glimpse of Aaron’s expression. He was livid, his eyes a harsh, unyielding black. “Please, Aaron, please listen to the rest.” He stammered, his consciousness flickering. 

Aaron was shaking his head, his jaw set, his mind shut. “I’ve heard enough.” He spat. “There is nothing you could say that would make you cheating on me okay, Robert. Nothing.” He turned his back on Robert now. “I want you out. I want you out now.” And then he was walking away, walking, walking, walking away. 

Robert struggled to get up, his balance betraying him so that he ended up back on the floor again within seconds. “Aaron, wait.” But Aaron didn’t wait. He didn’t look back. He kept walking. 

Robert slumped back against the couch base, lightheaded. He felt the blood dripping down his arm. He needed a hospital. Aaron had left him, had left him bleeding on the floor. He needed to get up and get himself to a hospital. He needed to now or he would bleed out on their living room floor. Could he drive himself like this? He’d have to. There wasn’t time for anything else.

Somehow he pulled himself to his feet, and ambled woozily down the hall towards the front door. His thoughts swirled incoherently around his muddy puddle of a brain. All he could focus on was the task right before his eyes, the obstacles in the way of his only goal: survive long enough to talk to Aaron again, to tell him the rest. 

Open the door. Walk to the car. Get in. Pull out of the driveway. Turn. Turn. Stop. Turn. Follow the road. Just follow the road. 

He had to fight his drooping eyelids the whole way and he had to struggle to grip the steering wheel, slick with his blood, but he made it. He made it to the hospital, where he was immediately patched up by a nurse. Only after the immediate threat of exsanguination was banished, did the looming threat on the horizon come back into focus.

The adrenaline from the fight with Aaron had kept the impending migraine at bay long enough for him to reach his destination, but then it had hit him like a thunderclap and his head felt like it might explode from the pain. The room spun and bouts of nausea had him curling in on himself, trying desperately to retain the contents of his stomach. Hours later, he lay exhausted in a hospital bed, squinting through pained eyes at his doctor as she spoke to him about his rapidly worsening symptoms, about how his getting worse meant the tumors in his brain were growing.

He was out of time.

She was throwing around phrases like ‘permanent brain damage’ and she was insistent, almost frantically so, that he couldn’t put if off any longer, that, if he did, his next migraine might be his last. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he have the surgery? How could he go through with it without telling his husband? He had to find a way to tell him before, to give Aaron a chance to… what? To say goodbye? Because that was the reality here, wasn’t it? There might not be an after. He might not make it through. And if that happened… what would happen to Aaron?

He couldn’t wait; he understood that. He told the doctor he’d do the surgery. And then he got to work, making the calls he needed to make to get his affairs in order, to make sure Aaron and Liv and Vic would be supported , at least monetarily, in his absence. 

And then he called Aaron.

He didn’t expect an answer, so he wasn’t disappointed when it went straight to voicemail. He wanted to give Aaron a chance to be there, if he wanted, but, more than that, he needed to say the words that would let Aaron move on with his life if he didn’t survive, the words that would let Aaron be happy in his absence.

“Aaron… I know you don’t want to hear from me right now and I would give you more time to process everything if I could… but I don’t have any more time to give. I… I was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors a couple weeks ago. The doctor… she says I have to have the surgery now, that I can’t wait any longer.” He paused. “If you get this message in the next hour, please, I’d like to see you before… I’d like to hear your voice. I realize, though, that that probably isn’t going to happen. So, just in case I don’t get another chance, there are a few things… I need to say.” He cleared his throat, emotional. “I love you. I love you so much. I know I screwed everything up, but I wanted you to know that it wasn’t because you weren’t enough… because you were. You’re amazing, Aaron. I’m so lucky to have had you in my life… to have been loved by you. And, even if this is all the time I get with you, if my time’s up now… I’m grateful.” A rogue tear rolled down Robert’s cheek. “I wish you nothing but happiness, nothing but love. You deserve to get everything you ever wanted. So be happy, alright?” He swallowed, closing his eyes, and whispered the last sad words. 

“Goodbye.” 

END of CHAPTER 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BWAAAAAHHH! Sad face


	5. CHAPTER 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert do some serious thinking. Vic is disappointed in her brother. Robert makes himself two promises. Liv gets upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is really... idk... the characters basically think the entire time. I know that doesn't sound especially exciting... but they're angsty and they've got a lot of feelings to deal with so... yah... that's how it ended up. 
> 
> I'd like to think there's a bit of character growth happening for Robert, but I'd be interested to see if you guys agree. Dealing with stuff by himself is pretty standard for the Robert character, but selflessness... not so much. Do you think he's being selfless or being a coward? I'm curious to hear.
> 
> Hmm. I'm still not sure myself...
> 
> Oh and beware: I've been using a lot of ellipsis lately. Sorry if that's annoying. It's my way of working the natural pauses in speech into my writing, but it might be a bit much lol. <3 Thanks for reading as always! <3

CHAPTER 5

Aaron was laying, curled up in the fetal position, in his and Robert's bed. He wanted to move, burn the sheets, burn the bed, burn the room. He wanted to, but he kept getting stuck when he tried, stuck at the thought that, if he did, if he burned it all down, that'd be it. There would be no recovering from this for them. It was up to him to forgive or not to forgive Robert for this. Forgiveness seemed impossible. But living a life without Robert... that seemed even more impossible. And the more he realized that, the more stuck he felt.

How could Robert put him in this position? How could he do this, break their vows, and then sit there and ask for understanding, ask for Aaron to stay there and listen to the whole story? What would that accomplish? He'd cheated. Again. With her. What else was there to consider? 

It was after the visit, the visit Aaron remembered through a druggy haze. He'd been cruel. He'd given up, told Robert he was useless, that their future wasn't enough of a reason to stay clean. He rubbed a hand roughly over his face. But he'd been in a bad place when he said that; he'd been desperate to ease the pain of the beatings he was enduring, desperate to survive. Could he really be held responsible for what he'd said and done when he wasn't himself? No, he didn't think so. That's why it was so easy for Robert to forgive him. 

Robert didn't have an excuse. He was just a cheat, a cheat and a liar.

Aaron pushed himself into a sitting position, his brow furrowing as he remembered back to the tense car ride on the way home. No wonder Robert looked so worn out. Destroying not one, but two marriages takes a lot out of a person. The vicious thought cut across his mind sharply and his face settled into a cold mask. He couldn't forgive this. 

He couldn't. 

A ding on his cell phone alerted him of an incoming call. He frowned, knowing exactly who it would be, and stared at the screen. Husband calling, it said. He threw the phone across the room so that it clattered loudly against the bedroom wall. How dare he call so soon after. How dare he call him. Selfish prick. 

* * * *

Robert made one more call after Aaron. He called Vic, intending to tell her, to finally tell her, that he was sick. But when she answered, he found himself unable to say it.

Was he a coward? Yes. Yes he was. He didn't want to make his little sister cry. He didn't want to make her worry. He didn't want the last sound he heard to be Vic in tears. At first, he just listened to her speak, enjoying her cheerful rambling. 

And then his chest tightened with emotion and he wanted, more than anything, to know she'd stick by him, no matter how bad he'd screwed up, no matter what he'd done. So he confessed, about the cheating, about his massive row with Aaron. But unconditional love and support is not what he received from his little sister, not this time. 

He was met with a cold, disappointed silence from her end of the line. 

"Vic?" He'd asked, his voice trembling slightly. 

"How could you?" She'd asked him. He felt his mouth go dry at the disgust her tone conveyed. "How could you do that to Aaron? After everything you've been through together... You just got married. It hasn't even been..." Her words trailed off. "You don't deserve him after this, Robert. You know that, don't you? If you can't be faithful to him, to anyone, you need to stop making promises, stop making vows you can't keep. It's not right. It's not fair to the people you say you care about."

Robert had closed his eyes at her words, feeling like a knife was twisting in his gut. It was still confusing as hell to him. Was he responsible for his actions? If he didn't remember, if he wasn't in the driver's seat of his own body, did it count? He wasn't sure. 

And that's why Vic's words, though she spoke them knowing only part of the story, still hurt like hell, still made his stomach roil with guilt and shame. 

"You might be right, Vic." He answered in a choked whisper. 

There was another pause, rife with chilling disappointment and then Vic said in a steely voice. "I can't... I can't even..." She inhaled harshly. "I can't talk to you right now. I need to go." The line went dead. 

Robert looked at the phone, watching how it shook in his hand. 

And then a strange, sad calm came over him as he realized just how right Vic was. He didn't know whether his fuck up with Rebecca was something he should be held responsible for or not, but what did that matter if he might not make it through the night? What was he trying to do to Aaron, leaving him a voicemail like that? Wouldn't it be better for Aaron to continue to hate him, to want him out of his life? Wouldn't that be better, in the long run, if he was going to die? Wasn't it selfish to ask Aaron to sit at his bedside and watch him wither into nothing? Because there was a very good chance that's the direction his future was going in. 

Malignant tumors. The doctors seemed to think the explosive growth of the tumors in his brain most likely suggested that, yes, they were dealing with cancer here, brain cancer. Only a biopsy of the tumors would tell them for sure, but his doctor had already prepared him, brutal honesty her strongest communication tool, that he was most likely going to be in for a long, difficult fight, and the odds were not in his favor. 

He didn't want to go through that alone. He wanted his family: Aaron, Liv, Vic, Diane. he wanted them there, especially if his time was limited. He didn't want to have to fight all by himself, like he'd had to do for so much of his life up to that point. He wanted to lean on them, to be supported... He wanted them there so damn bad. 

But he didn't want to cause them pain, the horrible pain that comes with watching a loved one fade out of existence. He didn't want to promise them he'd fight and then die on them, to leave them with an emotional void they could never, for the rest of their lives, hope to fill. He didn't want to hurt the people he loved. 

He didn't want to be selfish in his last moments on this Earth. 

So he made a promise to himself, right then and there, that he would let them hate him, that he would leave Emmerdale, that he would hide himself away from anyone and everyone that knew him. He'd go somewhere far enough away and he'd take on the fight alone. He wouldn't give up, but he would be realistic. He probably wasn't going to make it. He probably would be leaving and never coming back. 

But, just maybe, he could beat it. Beat it and then, and only then, would he let himself go back and tell the truth to them all. 

And if he was being realistic, he knew that there was a very good chance that they would all have moved on without him by then, that him coming back would be nothing but a distraction, an annoyance. So he made himself another promise. If he survived this fight, he'd go back, but if Aaron was happy, making a family with someone else, someone better, if Vic was doing well without him, if Liv was too, he wouldn't intrude. He needed to stop being selfish when it came to the people he loved. 

After all, he'd been selfish enough for a lifetime. 

* * * *

The next morning came slowly. Aaron watched the light creep in through the window at sunrise, watched it travel slowly across the bedroom ceiling. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to face the coming day.

A scream shattered the silence, Liv's scream. Aaron startled to his feet, darting out of the room and down the stairs. He ran to where she was standing, eyes wide, face pale, a hand clutched over her mouth. He looked her up and down and saw nothing physically wrong. And then he turned to see what she was looking at, what had made her scream.

There were spatters of blood, starting where Robert had fallen into the coffee table and drawing a bloodcurdling dotted line down the hallway towards the front door…

END of CHAPTER 5 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL it's like a horror movie


	6. CHAPTER 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron reacts to what Liv was screaming at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to be structured a bit differently: they're going to be shorter, like snapshots of time. I'll be posting them closer together, like maybe more than one a day, but they will be short. I think it adds a bit of an effect to the story, like you're waiting too, like time's slowing down for all of us, the way it does when there's an emergency. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy! I promise I won't make you wait long for any of the chapters ;D

CHAPTER 6

(8:00 AM [7 hours into surgery])

There were spatters of blood, starting where Robert had fallen into the coffee table and drawing a bloodcurdling dotted line down the hallway towards the front door.

Aaron felt all the color drain out of his face. Had Robert been hurt when he punched him? He didn't even remember seeing an injury... he'd been so angry, he couldn't even look at him, but he did vaguely remember his husband clutching at his arm after he fell. 

Aaron swallowed back bile as he realized he'd left Robert hurt and bleeding on the floor. He moved quickly towards the front door, shoving it open and looking outside. Robert's car was gone. He must have driven himself to a hospital. Aaron felt a pang of guilt hit him squarely in the chest and he clutched at his clothes, distressed. No matter how angry he was, he never wanted to see Robert hurt. And knowing that he'd been the one that did the hurting... it felt wrong. It twisted his insides into uncomfortable shapes. 

He needed to make sure Robert had made it to the hospital. He needed to. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest as he remembered he'd received a call from Robert's phone the previous night. What if he'd been calling for help? What if he didn't get to the hospital in time?

He stumbled his way back inside, telling Liv to go on to school, that he'd sort things while she was gone. She looked like she wanted to argue, but seemed to decide against it upon spying the look on Aaron's face. He made his way upstairs, his eyes darting around his bedroom until they landed on his half smashed cell phone. It lit up when he touched the home button and the screen showed one unheard voicemail, but no matter what he did, the touchscreen didn't respond. He swore loudly.

He shoved the phone in his pocket and headed outside and down the street, practically running when he saw Vic in front of the Woolpack. She looked sad, sort of guilty even, when she saw him. "Vic, is Robert-?"

"I'm so sorry, Aaron!" Vic cut him off, an angry tear running down her cheek. "I talked to him last night. He told me about you breaking up, about... him cheating. I couldn't believe it, that he could betray you like that. I'm so sorry." She closed her eyes, bowing her head, like, somehow, her brother's wrongdoing was her fault. 

Aaron stopped short. "You spoke to him last night?" 

Vic's brow furrowed. "Yeah, around one in the morning, I think."

Aaron nearly collapsed in relief. "So he made it to the hospital." He said to himself, wobbling slightly as he lowered himself down to sit on the curb. 

“The hospital?” Vic asked sharply, her eyes widening. “What are you talking about, Aaron?” 

Aaron cast his gaze downward, guilt making it difficult to look his husband’s sister in the eye. “He… when he told me, I got angry and I… I hit him and he fell. He was still… I mean he was still talking. He seemed fine. I didn’t realize he was hurt.” Aaron swallowed, upset. Vic was staring down at him, agape, horrified. “This morning, I came downstairs and there was… there was blood, a lot of blood, and his car was gone.”

“You hit my brother?” She asked, her voice brittle. “You hurt him?”

Aaron covered his face with his hands, ashamed of his reaction, more ashamed than he could say. 

And then she spoke again, upset with herself this time, tears trickling down her cheeks. “So you’re saying that, when he called me, he was sitting in a hospital bed in pain?” She shook her head, crying down at Aaron. “I took your side. I told him he didn’t deserve you. I… I hung up on him.”

Aaron began to sob. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was hurt, I swear. I never would have left him alone if I did.”

Vic yanked out her phone, nearly dropping it in her haste. She dialed her brother’s number. 

It went straight to voicemail.

“His phone’s off.” She said, her voice brittle once more. “He never has his phone off.” 

Aaron felt his insides go numb with fear. Something was wrong. Something felt really wrong. 

He pushed himself to his feet unsteadily and began moving towards his car. Vic trailed close behind him, both of them following the same instinct, the same cold, gut wrenching, ominous feeling. They needed to be there, at the hospital. An alarm was going off in both of their heads. They could feel a pull, a sixth sense urging them forward, tugging at their clothes and their hair and their limbs. 

And that feeling, that desperate, awful feeling of wrongness, hung over them darkly, quickening their pace and stealing the breath from their lungs.

END of CHAPTER 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone else has experienced exactly what I'm talking about here, but I've noticed that, sometimes, when you get an inkling that something is wrong, that something bad has happened, you just go kind of cold on the inside and your mind suddenly processes everything faster than usual and it makes you feel like there's more substance to every minute passing by, like time is moving slower than usual.
> 
> Anyhow, that's what I was trying to portray here. 
> 
> Can you feel it?


	7. CHAPTER 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Vic find out something surprising and run into some red tape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one. But I'll keep them coming ;D

CHAPTER 7

(9:00 AM [8 hours into surgery])

“Robert Sugden.” Aaron told the nurse, his hands twitching with nerves. Vic stood next to him, frozen with fear. 

The nurse typed the name into her computer. She clicked something with her mouse. She scrolled down. She stopped moving, only her eyes raising to meet Aaron’s and Vic’s desperate gazes. “Are you family?” She asked softly, sympathetically. 

Both Aaron and Vic’s hearts jumped in their chests. “Yes, we’re family.” Vic whispered, fear stealing the force from her voice.

The nurse nodded, peering at the screen again. “It looks like he’s still in surgery.”

There was a pause, silence pressing its way into their ears, smothering out every other noise. They only heard that word, replayed for them by their brains, over and over, like a broken record. Surgery. Surgery. Surgery. He’s still in surgery. He’s still. It looks like. He’s still. It looks like. 

Surgery.

“Surgery?” Aaron heard himself repeat, still unable to process, still stuck on repeat. His mind was whirling in dizzying circles. Hadn’t Robert hurt his arm? Why…? Surgery? Why? His heart was in his throat as he waited for an answer, a pounding in his ears so loud, he could barely hear the nurse’s response.

“Yes.” The nurse looked between their shocked faces, confused. “Were you not aware Mr. Sugden had decided to have the surgery tonight?”

“What? No.” Aaron put his hands down on the counter. “No, he… Robert came in for an injury to his arm, a cut, a… a deep cut, but…” His gaze flickered between the nurse and Vic. “He didn’t need… he… he didn’t need an operation. You must have gotten the name wrong—”

“Robert Jacob Sugden, admitted with laceration to upper arm?” The nurse said, calmly, softly, interrupting Aaron. 

“Yes.” Aaron managed, peering hopefully up at the nurse. Please let it be a mistake.

“I’m sorry. It says here, he was scheduled for surgery at one AM this morning.” The nurse said.

Aaron looked between Vic and the nurse again. “That doesn’t make sense. Surgery for what?” He asked, still hoping, still praying that there was some kind of mix up.

The nurse didn’t answer at first, looking suddenly cagey, suddenly nervous, as she realized they didn’t know anything, that she might have just revealed patient information she wasn’t legally allowed to. When she did speak, it was as if she was reading off a script. “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to release patient information to anyone other than family. I’ll need to check to see if your names are listed in Mr. Sugden’s emergency medical contacts. May I see ID, please?” Vic and Aaron both stared at her for a second before pulling out their IDs and handing them over the counter. The nurse pulled up something on the computer screen, her expression changing to one of apology as she turned back to them. “I’m very sorry, but neither of your names are listed.”

“That… that has to be a mistake.” Vic said, her voice shaky. “I’m… I’m his sister. I’m family. He,” she gestured to Aaron, “is Robert’s husband. We have the right to know what’s happened. We—“

“Ma’am, I’m sorry.” The nurse said, cutting her off. “You’re not listed and there are specific instructions left by the patient expressly saying that no one but his solicitor is to be called in the case of a medical emergency.” 

Vic stood shaking her head, staring with wide, tear-filled eyes at the nurse. “His solicitor…? He’s my brother… Please.” She turned to Aaron, hoping he had an idea of how to convince the nurse to speak to them. He wasn’t there, behind her. She glimpsed his hoodie just as he exited out the front doors of the hospital.

She followed, first at a walk, then at a run. “Aaron? Aaron!” She yelled after him. He quickened his own pace, making a bee-line for his car. He yanked the door open and then closed behind him. Vic did the same, spinning around in her seat to look at Aaron. 

He was shaking, shaking with violent sobs. “He took us off his emergency contact list, Vic. He didn’t want us called. He thought… he must have thought we didn’t want… that we didn’t care… that we wouldn’t want to be there.” He choked out between sobs. “I made him feel like this… I… I…” His breathing came in short bursts and his words became single syllables. “He… was… hurt-ing… and… I… I…” 

“Shhhh, shhhh, Aaron.” Vic threw her arms around him, holding tightly, helping him calm his breathing slowly. “Calm down, come on, just calm down.” She pulled back, looking into his face. “I don’t know how, but… it’s going to be okay. We’ll find a way to make things right. We’ll get him back, Aaron. We’ll see him again. It can’t… it just can’t end like this. It can’t.” She said, her voice a mix of bitter and hopeful.

Aaron’s eyes flew open, suddenly, as he was reminded by the hard, square bulge poking into his ribcage that he had his phone with him, and he started fumbling around in his pocket. “Vic, give me your phone.” 

She looked confused, but did as he said. He pulled his own phone out, then, screen cracked beyond use, flipped it over and tore the back off, fishing around for the sim card. And then he put his sim card into Vic’s phone, turned it on, and…

One unheard voicemail.

END of CHAPTER 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really thought Aaron needed to hear that voicemail. Don't you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. CHAPTER 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron listens to the voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so long coming. It ended up being kind of stylistically different from my normal writing so it just didn't sound quite right the first few times I wrote it out and I ended up tweaking it kind of obsessively lol. so I hope it turned out alright. i was going for the world kind of falling away and Aaron having almost a one sided, unheard conversation with Robert's voicemail. See what you think :)
> 
> Oh and it's another short one, despite the fact that it took me forever... O_O

CHAPTER 8

"That...?" Vic stared at the phone screen. "Is that from Robert?" She asked in a whisper. 

Aaron nodded, his finger hovering over the play button. He tapped play, closing his eyes as the message machine told him the date and time the message was recorded. And then...

“Aaron..." His heart skipped a beat.

Robert.

 "I know you don’t want to hear from me right now and I would give you more time to process everything if I could… but I don’t have any more time to give." His heart shivered.

There’ll be time. We’ll get more time together.

"I… I was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors a couple weeks ago." His heart was falling, dropping like a stone.

Please no.

"The doctor… she says I have to have the surgery now, that I can’t wait any longer.” His heart was weeping.

Wait for me, Robert. Please. Wait.

“If you get this message in the next hour, please, I’d like to see you before… I’d like to hear your voice." His tears were rolling off his face in torrents.

I want to hear your voice again too. 

"I realize, though, that that probably isn’t going to happen." His heart stilled with regret.

I’m here. I’m right here. Wake up and see that I’m right here.

"So, just in case I don’t get another chance, there are a few things… I need to say." His heart…

Don't say them. Don't say goodbye. 

“I love you." 

Don't.

"I love you so much." 

Please, don't. 

"I know I screwed everything up, but I wanted you to know that it wasn’t because you weren’t enough… because you were." 

This isn't happening. 

"You’re amazing, Aaron. I’m so lucky to have had you in my life… to have been loved by you. And, even if this is all the time I get with you, if my time’s up now… I’m grateful.” 

Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that. It's not over. It's not.

“I wish you nothing but happiness, nothing but love. You deserve to get everything you ever wanted. So be happy, alright?” 

Not without you. 

No fucking way.

…  
…  
…

Aaron just stared down at the phone, a picture of Robert, calling him from a hospital bed and getting his voicemail, plastering itself in front of his eyes. A picture of his husband’s face, when he left a message, when he realized he’d be going into surgery without being able speak to the person that loved him most in the world. 

He must have felt so alone. Abandoned. Afraid. He must have felt so many things. And now he was laid out on an operating table, fighting for his life, thinking there was absolutely no one in his corner.

And he… he might have missed the last chance he’d ever have to talk to his husband. He might have… missed it. All because he wouldn’t listen until the end, listen to the entire story like Robert had asked him to, like he’d promised he would. 

His chest felt tight, his breathing coming in short bursts, like spasms. He shook his head faster and faster, back and forth, covering his eyes with his hands. He drew his knees into his chest, curling up on himself. Victoria was beside him, a hand on his shoulder, telling him, tears in her eyes, to breathe, to just breathe. 

Like it was that easy.

END of CHAPTER 8


	9. CHAPTER 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Vic psych themselves up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter is just Aaron and Vic in the car thinking. It sounds very boring, but I felt like I had to devote some time to them sort of dealing with all their distress. I want them to be in a strong, supportive place when Robert comes out of surgery so this is my way of getting them there.
> 
> Hope it's not too boring and it gives some insight into what's happening inside Vic and Aaron's heads.
> 
> Thanks for reading! And thanks for all the amazing comments! They always make me smile <3 <3 <3

CHAPTER 9

(10:00 AM [9 hours into surgery])

They sat there in the car, Aaron willing his breathing to normalize, Vic, beside him, whispering words she couldn’t possibly know were true. “He’ll be alright. He’ll make it through this. We’ll see him again.”

He wanted, more than anything, to go back to the night before, to get a redo. He needed a fucking redo. Just this once, couldn’t he please have a second chance to get it right? Couldn’t he please? 

Please?

How could this happen? They finally had everything in place to be happy: he was out of prison, they were moving into the Mill, their family was perfect and messy and… perfect. So why was the universe throwing them a curve ball? Why was it so fucking uncooperative? 

Now, more than ever, Aaron felt like there was some unseen force, some maleficent aura casting a shadow over their lives. Brain tumors? As if they didn’t have enough to deal with already, now brain tumors? He blew out a painful breath, his airways strangled by grief.

What if this was the thing that broke them?

What if, after surviving so much, their nine lives were used up?

What if Robert’s nine lives were used up?

That was the scariest thing, the thought of Robert not being alive, of him not existing somewhere. It made Aaron feel like the world was a cold, dark, pointless place. Without Robert in it, what did the world, what did life, have to offer? Nothing. He had other people that loved him, other people he loved, but none of them, not even all of them put together, could fill the void losing Robert would leave in his life. He’d be empty, walking around, pretending to feel something when his loved ones spoke to him, pretending to be alive. Losing Robert wasn’t something he could get over. It wasn’t something he could survive. 

And, of course, it took him until now to realize it. Now that it might actually happen. Now that he might actually lose him. It took him until now to see that he couldn’t leave Robert, couldn’t break up with him, couldn’t even be separated from him for the shortest length of time. He needed him. He felt like an idiot for not seeing that sooner. And he felt like a complete moron for letting one mistake make him forget what Robert meant to him, what their relationship meant to him.

If Robert survived this, Aaron swore to himself, he would fix everything he’d broken. He would get down on his knees and beg Robert to come back to him, because a drunken one night stand meant nothing now. 

And Robert meant everything.

* * * *

Vic watched Aaron from her side of the car, saying nothing, letting him sift through his roiling emotions and work through his tumultuous thoughts. She had some emotions and thoughts of her own that needed attention, the most predominant emotion being guilt. She’d been so quick to judge her brother, to take sides. She’d assumed, right off the bat, that the situation was so black and white, so cut and dry. Cheating is bad. End of story. 

But that wasn’t the way the world worked. People were complicated creatures with complicated reasons for doing the things they did. Robert was sick, sick for weeks and weeks and no one, not a soul, not her or Chas or anyone, had known. Not one of them had even noticed anything was wrong. Robert’s husband was in prison at the time, giving up on their future. And Robert was left trying to carry both his and Aaron’s responsibilities all on his own. He was crumbling under the weight of everything in his life and none of them saw.

Was it so unspeakable, so unbelievable, that he would crack under all that pressure? Was what he’d done so unforgivable that she, his sister, should turn her back on him, should say the hurtful things she did?

No.

The truth was: she’d let her brother down. He’d made two calls that night. One of those calls was to an answering machine. The other was to her. And she’d fucked it up. Instead of being supportive, standing by him when he so clearly needed her, she’d tossed his honesty back in his face and hung up on him. And now she might not get a chance to make up for it. She might not.

How was she supposed to cope with something like that?

* * * *

Neither of them knew how long they sat in that car in silence, their minds contorting themselves into pretzels, trying to wrap themselves around the suddenly glaring, impossible truths they had to face. But, they both seemed to emerge from their reveries at the same time, with the same unshakeable determination in their eyes. 

This fight wasn’t over yet. Robert was alive. And, until they were told otherwise, they would not be giving up on him. He might have had to go into surgery alone, but he wouldn’t be alone when he came out the other side. They would be there.   
He wouldn’t be on his own. Not ever again.

END of CHAPTER 9


	10. CHAPTER 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron does some digging in his contacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. It's another short one. 
> 
> I'm moving an hour at a time towards Robert getting out of surgery. But I'll give you a hint: brain surgery tends to last anywhere between ten and fifteen hours... ;)

CHAPTER 10

(11:00 AM [10 hours into surgery])

They needed a plan. They needed a way to get in to see a doctor, to find out what was going on. And Aaron thought he might have an idea.

He’d never met Robert’s solicitor, but he was pretty sure he remembered his name. James… something… He remembered Robert mentioning him in a text once and that sent him scrolling through old conversations, looking for any mention of the man. Vic waited quietly while he searched. 

A few rogue tears escaped from his eyes as he read through Robert’s words. He never thought about how often they texted each other, never considered it odd that he knew what Robert was doing (and vice versa) every second of every day. It was kind of insane, actually, the sheer volume of words they had to say to each other. Robert and him had always had their own special… cadence, sort of a rhythm they got into in their conversations. They spoke so easily to each other, so effortlessly. Aaron had never thought about just how amazing that was.

He found the text mentioning James, the solicitor, and searched for the name online, finding many individuals with the name. He called a lot of wrong numbers before he got the right man.

“James Nightingale speaking.” The man said in a smooth drawl.

“Yes, hello, this is… this is Aaron, Robert Sugden’s husband.” Aaron said apprehensively.

There was a pause. “Can I help you with something, Aaron?” The man asked, a note of something akin to sadness permeating his voice.

“Please, Robert’s in hospital. He’s gone in for surgery and the nurse at the front desk won’t give me or his sister any information. She says the only person listed in his emergency contacts is you.” Aaron swallowed against the lump in his throat. “Is there anything… is there some way... that you could help us?” He finished with a whisper, scared to hear the answer, scared to be told no yet again.

It took a few seconds for James to respond. “Robert’s an idiot.” He said, sounding almost angry. “And here he thought no one would even care if he just disappeared off the face of the Earth.” Aaron flinched. “He’s not even properly through surgery before you lot are calling me up on the phone.” James sighed. “Look, technically, I’m not supposed to use my power of attorney to do anything more than set Robert’s affairs in order and pull the plug if he comes out brain damaged.” The phone dropped from Aaron’s hand. He stared at it in shock for a moment before scooping it back up and pressing it back to his ear. “But… I don’t think Robert would want me to keep you out of things, so if you really want to be involved—“

“We do.” Aaron practically shouted into the phone. “We both do. Please.”

Another pause, probably due to James being caught off guard by the vehemence of Aaron’s response. “Alright then. I’ll make some calls. Try the nurse at the front desk again in about half an hour. I should be able to get everything sorted by then.” 

“Thank you.” Aaron choked out, so relieved he could barely speak. “Thank you so much.”

“Tell Robert…” James said, the tinge of sadness returning to his voice. “If he makes it through, tell Robert… to value himself a little bit more.” Aaron stilled at those words, unhappy with the direction his thoughts took him when he considered what they meant. “I don’t know what knocked him down to where he is right now…” Aaron closed his eyes against the guilt that thumped into his chest, “but he’s not quite right… and he’s not going to get right again without some help.” Aaron noticed he was holding his breath. “So I hope you’re serious about being there for him. He needs someone.” The line went dead.

Aaron clutched the phone tightly in his hands. He didn’t like the sound of that. What the hell had Robert said? What kind of state was his head in when he went into surgery? 

What was he thinking?

END of CHAPTER 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... that's one problem solved and one problem introduced... 
> 
> i wasn't originally going to focus on robert's mental health issues (and, let's face it, he does have quite a few), but now i'm thinking maybe those feelings of being a disappointment and the fear of abandonment coupled with the expectation that he will be abandoned... i think this story might be an interesting forum for me to talk about that in


	11. CHAPTER 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic and Aaron finally get to talk to a damn doctor. The diagnosis makes them both fall apart a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's another short one and I know it's been such a long time coming. Sorry about that! I just started my Summer class and it's kicking my ass so far. Anyhow, I've got some chapters later on written already so the pace at which there will be updates will be a bit sporadic for now. Hope you guys will read anyway! <3

CHAPTER 11

(12:00 PM [11 hours into surgery])

The nurse smiled awkwardly at them when they walked back through the entrance. “Hello again. I’m sorry about before. Everything’s been cleared up now. A doctor will be coming to speak with you shortly.” Aaron and Vic nodded, still a little bit angry that they had been turned away the first time around, and sat down to wait. 

It took about fifteen minutes for a doctor to come talk to them and, by the time one did, they were sitting on the edges of their seats, grinding their teeth together in agitation. “You’re Robert Sugden’s family?” He asked, seemingly appearing out of thin air. They both jumped to their feet, nodding slightly maniacally. “If you’ll follow me, we can go speak somewhere a bit more private.” They followed, their eyes trained on the doctor, their ears perking at every word that came out of his mouth. “Mr. Sugden was admitted for recurrent, severe migraines a couple weeks ago. He experienced a fainting spell that resulted in a head injury.” Aaron’s and Vic’s eyes watered. Weeks ago? “He was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors a few days later, when he was brought in again after passing out in a parking lot.” Aaron and Vic flinched visibly. How had this been happening all this time without them knowing? “He chose to postpone surgery, but, after his most recent episode, it was potentially dangerous for him to continue to wait, which is why we rushed him in as soon as he consented.”

“Why did he… did he say why he decided to postpone?” Aaron asked in a whisper, knowing the answer already.

“He wanted to talk to his husband first.” A burning tear rolled down Aaron’s cheek. He was so ashamed. He’d never felt so ashamed. 

Vic squeezed Aaron’s arm, trying to comfort him as best she could, and then she asked the buzzing question sitting on her tongue. “How is the surgery going, doctor?”

“The surgery is going well so far, but there are still a couple hours to go and it’s a complicated procedure.” He spoke in a professional voice, the kind that lacked feeling, that lacked any kind of sympathy. Vic and Aaron shivered, hearing the but and wishing there wasn’t one. “His primary physician, the one that’s been with him throughout the process, is the one performing the operation. I’m only a consultant on the case, so I can only tell you the basics. You’ll have to wait until after the procedure to get all the details.” They nodded, waiting for him to continue. “She’s attempting to excise the tumors, but their locations, along with their rapid growth, means that complete removal probably won’t be possible. The masses will be tested in the lab to see if they’re malignant. And then, based on how much of the tumors are left and whether or not they’re cancerous, the treatment plan will be determined.” Aaron and Vic’s expressions froze in place, their heads spinning from the newest piece of horrible news. 

Malignant. Cancer. Robert might have cancer. In his brain.

Aaron felt like he was falling, like the world had stopped spinning and everything that kept him standing on the Earth, that kept him anchored to the ground, had ceased to exist. It was like he was past the point of panic, like now he was just floating around mentally, physically, completely, untethered. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together as best he could, so he could listen to the rest.

The doctor was speaking again, seemingly oblivious to his mental anguish. “The surgery should be done in a couple more hours. You’re welcome to wait, but you won’t be able to see him until after the doctor has done her post-surgical evaluation.” 

“We’ll wait.” They both said without hesitation.

* * * *

Aaron was falling to pieces. That’s what it felt like, like his insides were crumbling away, like a strong gust of wind was all it would take to turn him to dust. He’d been so happy less than twenty-four hours before. And now he was miserable, miserable from the fear, from the grief, from the guilt. He just wanted Robert back in his arms, happy and healthy. That’s all he wanted. That’s all. 

Was that too much to ask? 

* * * *

Aaron was falling to pieces. Vic could see it. She was watching him out of the corner of her eye, trying to think of something, anything, to say. But she had nothing left. She’d tried so hard to be positive all day, to help Aaron through, but she’d run out of… that something that always kept her going, that thing that let her smile and fight on, no matter the circumstances. Her tank was empty. She couldn’t anymore. 

She was falling to pieces too.

END of CHAPTER 11


	12. CHAPTER 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has a chat with Chas.

CHAPTER 12

(1:00 PM [12 hours into surgery])

Aaron was staring at the dull, egg-shell-colored walls of the waiting room when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. “Hello?” He croaked sadly.

“Aaron?” Aaron thought he heard Chas sigh on the other end of the line, like she’d been expecting him to be upset when she called. “I suppose you’ve spoken to Robert, then.” 

Aaron sat up straighter, his eyes widening at her words. “Did you know?” He whispered, an accusation in his voice.

“Oh, love, where are you?” Chas answered, her tone sympathetic. 

“How long?” Aaron asked more sharply this time.

Another sigh. “I caught them together. I’ve known since it happened.”

Aaron rocked back on his feet, taken aback when he realized Chas was talking about the cheating. His voice came out slightly calmer now. “No, that’s… I meant… I thought you might have known he was sick.” 

There was silence on the other end of the line. “What are you talking about?” Chas asked sharply, her voice suspicious. 

Aaron let out a relieved breath, glad to know his mother hadn’t been hiding the fact that his husband was ill from him. He wasn’t sure he’d have been able to forgive her for that. “He’s apparently been sick for a while, getting migraines, having fainting spells…” His voice shook. “He’s in surgery right now.” He whispered. 

Chas pulled her phone away from her ear, looking down at it in shock. So then… he wasn’t faking anything, that day when he hit his head. There really was something wrong. She swallowed back the guilt creeping over her and put the phone back to her ear. “I didn’t know… I mean, he told me the doctors said everything was fine…”

“What are you talking about?” Aaron asked, confused.

“He… he knocked on my door one night, asked me to drive him to the ER. He’d hit his head. He told me he’d had a headache all day, that he’d gotten dizzy and fallen and woken up with the head wound. I drove him to the hospital. He got patched up and… he told me the doctors said he was alright, that there was nothing wrong.” Chas stumbled slightly over her words, remembering getting the feeling he was covering, that he wasn’t being completely honest with her that night. “I don’t think… I don’t think he wanted to worry you while you were inside. Maybe that’s why… he played it down the way he did.” She spoke quietly, sadly. Somehow life or death experiences seemed to put everything else into perspective. It was hard to hold onto her previous rage, knowing Robert might not survive. 

“How could you not tell me about this!?” Aaron shouted into his phone. 

“You were… struggling.” Chas answered, hesitantly. 

Aaron’s phone shook in his hand. “But he’s my husband.” He said quietly. “I deserved to know he’d gotten hurt.” He closed his eyes. “Why didn’t he tell me? This relationship is supposed to go both ways; he’s supposed to be able to rely on me too.” His voice trailed off, sadness choking him as he once again began to wonder what kinds of thoughts were going through Robert’s head while all this was happening, while he was hiding his illness, while he was having everyone that loved him removed from his emergency contacts. Was he planning to hide this forever? Was he going to disappear after the surgery and try to deal with all of this by himself? 

When did he become so distant, so impossibly out of reach? 

“He probably was waiting until you got out, Aaron. You had enough to deal with. I’m sure he didn’t want to add to that.” She spoke the words quietly, knowing they were true as she sifted through memories of her most recent encounters with Robert. She paused, a thought worming its way into her brain and twisting her stomach with guilt. “His condition… did it affect his behavior? I mean, is that why he did what he did… with Rebecca?”

Aaron’s jaw dropped, his eyes widening at the shocking thought. “I… I don’t know. Oh my God.” He let his head drop into his hands. The possibility had never occurred to him.

Please, listen all the way until the end before you decide… what to do. 

Oh my God. Was that what Robert had wanted him to hear before he made his decision? That he might not be responsible for his actions? That he wasn’t in control when he slept with Rebecca. 

Aaron felt sick. Robert had tried to tell him. He’d tried. And he’d responded by hitting the man he loved, by hurting him. 

He was the worst. 

END of CHAPTER 12


	13. CHAPTER 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Vic talk to a doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: super short update- if you don't like the short ones... wait until there is more for you to read before you start...

CHAPTER 13

(2:00 PM [After surgery])

“Are you Robert Sugden’s family?” 

The question surprised Vic and Aaron out of their quiet reveries. They looked up, their eyes swimming with too many emotions to count. They waited for the words, the words that would make or break their future. Alive or dead? Damaged or not damaged? Benign or malignant? 

“The surgery went well.” They breathed again. “I was able to remove almost all of the tumors.” The doctor paused, her expression growing more grave now. “The tests show that the tumors are malignant, so we’ll need to begin talking about chemotherapy once Robert wakes up, which should be within the next hour or so. I’ll need to conduct my post-surgical examination and then, after that, you’ll be able to go in and see him. I’m sure he’ll be very happy to know you’re here.”

Aaron and Vic wore identical expressions, half overjoyed, half scared beyond measure. He was alive, but he had cancer. He was going to wake up, but he might not be happy to see them. 

But either way, they did get the chance, the chance they’d been praying for, the chance to talk to him again, to see him alive again. And nothing, not even the accompanying bad news, could quite mute the overwhelming joy they felt at having that chance.

“So he’s… he’s alright? I mean, there’s no…” Aaron swallowed, closing his eyes as he shuddered at the thought. “There’s no brain damage?” He asked in a whisper.

The doctor smiled at him, just the smallest hint of sadness in her eyes, the kind of sadness that comes from years and years of delivering news, both good and bad, to the loved ones of her patients. “I won’t be able to tell for sure until I conduct my post-surgical check. But I’m reservedly confident that the surgery went well and no damage was done to the surrounding brain tissue. That being said, the brain is an extremely complex thing and I did remove several large masses. There could be trauma not visible to the eye. Only time will tell… I want to prepare you.” She looked between them, holding their gazes. “There’s no way to know how a person will come out of a surgery like this. There’s no way to know how they’ll be affected, how they’ll be different. Be prepared. Be strong. Be patient. Robert’s got a long, difficult fight ahead of him. And he can’t win by himself.” Vic and Aaron bowed their heads. Then they spoke, determination burning like fire behind their eyes.

“He won’t have to.”

END of CHAPTER 13


	14. CHAPTER 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert wakes up and talks to his doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this written already so I think I'll just post it now, instead of waiting. :)

CHAPTER 14

(4:00 PM [Post-Op])

Robert woke up to an empty hospital room. The incoherent murmuring of nurses wafted in from the hallway, the monitors around his bed beeped and clicked, and there was a general flurry and flux of movement outside his room. He stared up at the ceiling and wondered if this is what he had to look forward to over the next months: lonely stays in unfamiliar rooms, encountering unfamiliar faces. His eyes teared up at the thought. It had been less than twenty four hours since he’d made his promise to do this by himself, and he was already feeling lonely, already struggling with his decision. He would laugh at his capriciousness, except he felt like if he did, it would quickly turn to crying. And he didn’t want to start crying… because he didn’t know if he’d be able to stop. 

It felt like there was an emptiness in his chest now, that a void had opened up where his heart was meant to be. He felt his throat tighten with emotion.

He reached for the plastic cup filled with water next to his bedside, the IV in his arm impeding his progress. He tried to sit up and move closer so that he could reach, but pain ricocheted off the inside of his skull and he fell back into his pillow, gasping in shock. He laid still, scared to move and hurt himself again. 

He reached up slowly, gingerly running a hand along the bandages wrapped around his head. He’d made it through, then. He’d made it past this first obstacle. 

After all, he was pretty sure neither heaven nor the other place would look like this, would be set in a hospital room. Right?

He looked up as his doctor backed into the room, consulting another doctor on his lab results, as she did. Normally, lab results took days to come back, but, due to his circumstances, an emergency rush had been placed on his biopsy results. 

She turned and smiled at him in her sincere, yet professional way. “How are you feeling, Robert?” She asked, shining a light in his eyes before coming around to the other side of the bed and probing along the incision on the back of his head.

He shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Head hurts.” He looked up at her. “I’m assuming that’s normal, though, after brain surgery.” 

She smiled in response, finishing up her post-surgery checks. Then she stepped back and began speaking. “Okay, Robert, the surgery went as well as could be expected. I was able to remove all but two of the tumors completely, with minimal damage to the surrounding tissue. We talked about this beforehand, about how it was highly unlikely I’d be able to get everything, so it went according to our expectations.” She lowered her voice, as if to soften the blow, to lessen the disappointment from what she had to say next. “The biopsy results are back and the tumors are malignant. Because we’re dealing with multifocal tumors, the treatment plan will have to be more aggressive. We need to begin radiation and chemotherapy immediately. Normally, I’d wait to get you started until you’d fully recovered from the surgery… but, frankly, there isn’t time for that, not if you want to have your best chance at survival.” 

Robert nodded, wincing when it set off another shock of pain. The doctor continued, running through the details of his treatment plan. His mind drifted in and out, the drugs in his system imposing a thick fog over his brain. He could understand everything being said, but he couldn’t really process it. That was probably better, though. He should probably enjoy it, the numbness, enjoy it while it lasted. 

When the doctor finished her spiel, she paused for a moment, waiting for Robert to look up at her and focus. “Robert, I know you’re not all there right now. You just got out of surgery. So, I’ll be going over all of this again with you later on, alright. For now, just relax and try not to move around too much.” She smiled at him. 

“I’ll go ahead and send your family in. They’ve been waiting to see you.”

Robert’s brain seemed to stall, like an overheated engine, for a moment and then all he could think was: 

Maybe this was heaven, after all…

END of CHAPTER 14


	15. CHAPTER 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert, Vic, and Aaron finally get to talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These scenes always take forever to write- there's so much dialogue! If you don't like reading about people talking about their feelings, maybe skip this chapter... it's ALL dialogue... seriously.
> 
> OH the feelzzzz!!!!

CHAPTER 15

He watched them come in with foggy eyes, half from the drugs, half from the tears that threatened to fall. Their own eyes mirrored his, lost but found at the same time. They sat on either side of his hospital bed, saying nothing, just grabbing up his hands and holding on tightly. 

A silence followed, a silence filled with words they hadn’t worked up to saying yet. Aaron broke down first, bending low over Robert’s hand, clasped within his own, and letting his tears fall in fat drops. Robert looked on in shock, confused as to why Aaron was so upset. Hadn’t he ended things less than twenty-four hours before? Hadn’t he been angry enough to lash out physically? Hadn’t there been nothing but hatred in his husband’s eyes? “Aaron?” He asked, but the name sounded wrong on his tongue, like it wasn’t his to say anymore. 

And Aaron heard that, the awkward edge to Robert’s voice, the catch in his husband’s throat that stemmed from deep-seated confusion. Why are you here right now? Robert was asking. Why are you upset that I’m in the hospital? Why do you care? 

He wanted to hurt himself, then, for giving Robert cause to ask such questions. The urge came on suddenly, screaming for attention, like a bug bite begging to be scratched. His eyes were clouded with the effort of stuffing down that urge when he looked up to meet his husband’s confused gaze. 

But Robert’s normally razor sharp intuition, his ability to read people with astounding ease, was severely hindered by the drugs coursing through his veins. That’s why he didn’t see what he normally would have in Aaron’s eyes; that’s why his confusion remained and he made no move to comfort the clearly distraught individual in front of him. 

Aaron watched Robert’s face, waiting for his husband, who always knew exactly what he was thinking, who always knew exactly what he wanted to say without him having to say it, to read the guilt and the apologies and the love in his eyes. But Robert’s expression remained the same, half confounded, half dazed, a foggy blankness flurrying behind his usually discerning eyes. And Aaron felt his grip on Robert’s hand loosen, felt his posture straighten. This wasn’t his husband, this blank, staring shell of a man. 

This wasn’t his Robert.

As soon as he thought the thought, he felt ashamed. Of course it was. Of course it was his Robert, because Robert, in any form, was his. This Robert was half high on morphine and had just come out of brain surgery. He just… wasn’t firing on all cylinders right now. And then Aaron thought about what the doctor has said, about how the brain is a complex thing, about how surgery could cause changes, deficits, differences. He hated the thought of Robert coming out changed, of him not being the same, but he also realized that, no matter what state Robert was in, no matter what version of him came out of this nightmare of a situation, Aaron would want him. He would take care of him. He wouldn’t let go. 

He would have to change too, that’s all. If Robert couldn’t gain access to his every thought and feeling by looking into his eyes, he’d just have to learn to express himself better, to say what was on his mind instead. And this was a perfect time to start.

“I’m so sorry, Rob. I’m so, so sorry.” He watched as Robert’s confusion intensified, and continued, choosing his words carefully, trying to make sure his husband could understand. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you told me about Rebecca. I promised you I’d listen to the end and then I went and I… I hurt you. I will never forgive myself for that.” He stared into Robert’s eyes, seeing the comprehension there, seeing that his apology wasn’t falling on deaf ears. “You needed me and I wasn’t here. I hate that you had to deal with this on your own.” He blinked back the wetness that formed in his eyes. “I promise you, though, that you won’t have to be alone anymore. I’m here. Vic’s here. We’ll help you get through this.” He dropped his gaze, insecurity buzzing in his ear. “If you still want me here, if you can forgive me, I swear I’ll do everything I can to make this okay for you.” 

And then Robert grasped his hand, shedding tears of his own, now. “Of course I want you here.” Aaron bowed his head once more, so relieved to hear those words. “There’s nothing to forgive you for, Aaron. I…“ Robert swallowed at the fresh wave of guilt that washed over him. “I’m the one who screwed up, not you. You had every right to be angry; I understand.” And then his voice became brittle and small, and his eyes clouded over. “I deserved what I got.”

Aaron’s eyes widened and he looked back up at his husband, absolutely horrified. But it was Vic who spoke up, the angry edge to her voice that had been present that morning returning in full force. “No you didn’t, Robert. You didn’t deserve to be hit by someone you love. Aaron made a huge mistake.” She turned to Aaron, waiting until he met her eyes. “And if he ever makes a mistake like that again, he’ll have me to answer to.” Aaron nodded at her in ashamed acknowledgement and then looked back at Robert, only to see that his husband’s eyes had glazed over, that Vic’s words had not reached him. 

What Robert’s solicitor said to Aaron on the phone was suddenly starting to make a bit more sense. There was something… off about Robert, about how he was processing everything that had happened. Somehow, he got the sense that his husband’s unshakeable confidence was severely, irrevocably shaken.

He’d done that, he realized. The way he’d treated Robert, while he was in prison, when he got out, maybe even long before that. He’d made his husband feel small and alone and unloved. And now he had to find a way to fix it.

“Robert, look at me.” He said. Robert raised his gaze slowly, hesitantly. “You deserve so much better than the way I’ve treated you the last few weeks. When I married you, I made a promise to be there, to have your back, to support you, no matter what was going on in my own life. I let you down. You were,” he lowered his head for a moment, upset, “you were sick, really sick, and you had no support system at all. That’s on me.”

Robert looked into his eyes and, after a long moment, squeezed his hand gently and whispered, “It’s okay, Aaron. You’re here now… somehow...?” He said the last part like a question. 

Aaron frowned, guilt pricking at him as he remembered what had lead him to the hospital. “There was blood, a lot of it, from the cut on your arm. Liv went down first this morning and saw.” His voice became pleading. “I didn’t realize you were hurt, Robert. I never would have walked away from you, no matter how mad I was, if I had realized you were injured. Please know that.” He searched Robert’s eyes for confirmation that, yes, his husband did know. 

Robert stroked his face lightly. “I know.” He said serenely, his confusion cleared up now.

Aaron smiled tearfully at him and continued to recount the events that had taken place that day. “I listened to your voicemail.” Robert closed his eyes, remembering the cold loneliness he’d felt pressing in on him from all sides as he’d made that phone call. “You were already in surgery and we… we were out there in the waiting room losing our minds because we couldn’t get any information from the doctors.” Aaron’s voice shook slightly and Robert looked back at him with wide eyes. And then Aaron asked the question, the burning question that had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for hours. “Why did you remove us as emergency contacts, Robert?”

Robert looked down at his hands in his lap, not meeting Vic or Aaron’s eyes as he answered. “When I didn’t hear back from you, Aaron, I… I assumed you’d probably deleted the voicemail, that you hadn’t heard it, that you wouldn’t. And, after I talked to Vic,” Vic closed her eyes, pained by the harsh words she’d spoken, “I got to thinking… it’d be better for you, for both of you, if I just… left. If you stayed angry and just assumed I’d gone, you wouldn’t have to deal with… with all of this.” He gestured around himself, at the machines, at the dreary hospital walls. “And, if I didn’t, you know… make it…you wouldn’t have to deal with that either…” He looked up, finally, and saw that Aaron and Vic were wearing identical expressions of horror, that they were shaking their heads back and forth in denial, tears rolling down their cheeks. 

“You idiot.” Was all Vic managed to say, through her crying. 

Aaron was watching him with something akin to fear in his eyes. “You were going to try to get through this all on your own? Without any help from anyone?” His eyes flickered back and forth, between Robert’s own, like he was searching their depths for something he didn’t want to find. “Did you really think we’d want that, that we wouldn’t be here for you as soon as we found out you were sick?”

“I knew you would.” Robert said, not looking at either of them. “You’re both too good of people to abandon someone who’s terminally ill.” Aaron and Vic both flinched at the last part. “I knew you’d be here, that you’d be at my bedside every day, that you’d twist yourselves into pretzels trying to take care of me.” Aaron’s brows furrowed, as he watched Robert’s eyes darken and grow out of focus. “I didn’t want either of you forcing yourselves to do that. I was trying to do what was best for you, instead of what was best for myself… for once in my damn life...”

They both stared at him, lost for words. Forcing themselves, he’d said, ‘forcing’ themselves to help him, like it was a burden, like he was a burden. 

And then they both realized, at the same time, that Robert thought the only reason they were there… was because they felt obligated to be. 

END of CHAPTER 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... basically Robert's state of mind is kind of... not good.


	16. CHAPTER 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron, Robert, and Vic talk about what happened with Rebecca.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: The issue of consent is going to be the main focus of the chapter. I wasn't going to touch on this... but... after I did some research on the topic, I felt like I needed to address it. It never got even the slightest mention on the show and... it really, really should have. If this is a trigger for anyone, please skip the chapter.

CHAPTER 16

“No one’s forcing themselves to do anything, Robert.” Aaron practically growled at him. “We’re here because we love you and we want to help you. It isn’t selfish to ask for help; it isn’t selfish to lean on us.” 

Robert watched him with sad eyes. “But what about what I did? How can you still love me, how can you still want to be here, after that?”

Aaron blew out a breath and then spoke, his gaze trained on Robert’s face, searching for the truth. “Honestly, I was ready to forgive you as soon as I saw all that blood, as soon as I was confronted with the thought of actually… losing you… before it even occurred to me that your illness might have played a part in your actions.” Aaron saw Robert’s eyes widen and took that as confirmation: Robert hadn’t been in control when he’d slept with Rebecca. 

“How did you…?” Robert asked, his question trailing off.

“When I was talking to mum on the phone.” Aaron answered quietly. Robert looked even more confused. “She told me about driving you to the hospital, about you telling her the doctors gave you a clean bill of health.” His voice grew sharp at the end. Robert avoided his eyes. “She asked me if the brain tumors were the reason you did what you did, with Rebecca. I hadn’t even considered it before then.” 

“I can’t say for sure, Aaron.” Robert said quietly. “I don’t… I don’t remember how it happened… but that doesn’t mean… it doesn’t mean I’m free of blame.”

“You don’t remember?” Aaron responded, his heart jumping in his chest. Robert shook his head, frowning unhappily. “Wait.” Aaron ran a hand nervously through his hair. “Like you don’t remember how she ended up at our house… or you don’t remember sleeping with her?” He watched Robert shrug, something wiggling its way up his digestive tract, making him feel sick. 

“I don’t remember either one.” Robert whispered, his eyes on Aaron’s face, which had paled measurably at his previous words. “I was driving home from visiting you at the prison and I was thinking… well… I was thinking I wanted a drink… and then there’s just… nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning.” He turned his face away, the dread he’d felt when he’d woken up and found Rebecca next to him washing over him once more. 

“Oh my God, Robert.” Aaron choked, his face white and bloodless. “Oh my God.” He felt sick, nauseated by the revelation. His husband had been in no fit state to give consent. And that meant… well, that meant that, technically… technically, he’d been—

No. He couldn’t think it. He felt his mind throw up walls around itself, protection against the horrible word. Not Robert. He couldn’t deal with something like that happening to Robert, to his beautiful husband, who was looking back at him now with self-loathing, with guilt, blaming himself for a situation in which he was so clearly a victim.

“Robert, don’t you see…” Aaron swallowed back the nausea and continued. “Don’t you see that, you not remembering, that means none of what happened is your fault. You blacked out, before you even had a sip to drink. You’re not responsible for what happened after that.” His voice scratched painfully out of his rapidly constricting throat, the result of holding in tears. “You’re not responsible for any of it.”

Robert looked back at him with hooded eyes, not able to believe his words. He spoke quietly, feeling like he had to explain to Aaron that it was his fault, that he shouldn’t get let off the hook so easily. “Rebecca told me I texted her to come over, that I invited her in, that I was saying… that I was saying all sorts of horrible things, about you, about us. From what I understand… I manipulated her, Aaron, I took advantage of her feelings.” He paused, scared to meet Aaron’s eyes, his voice barely audible now. “If I did all that… I must have been in control of myself. I must have known exactly what I was doing… which means I am responsible. I wish I could blame it on being ill, but I can’t.” He finished in a defeated whisper, not looking up to see Aaron’s reaction, listening for the telltale slamming of a door that would mean he’d walked out.

But, instead, there was only silence, silence filled with something… heavy, some elephant in the room he couldn’t quite identify. He finally raised his head and saw that Aaron was exchanging a disturbed look with Vic, who was clutching a hand over her mouth and looking nearly as pale as Aaron was. “What…?” He asked, baffled by their expressions.

And then he felt Aaron squeeze his hand, gently, as if offering support, and he turned his gaze back on his husband. “Robert… no matter how coherent you seemed to Rebecca,” Aaron grimaced as he said her name, his eyes flashing with unrestrained anger, “you were blacked out. You weren’t capable of making rational decisions.” He paused holding Robert’s confused gaze with unhappy eyes. “You weren’t capable of giving consent.” 

Robert stilled, his furrowed brow smoothing out in his shock. “No, Aaron, you’ve got it wrong.” He said, shaking his head in denial. “She said I was normal, totally coherent, not slurring my words or unsteady on my feet—”

“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters.” Aaron said quietly. “You were mentally incapacitated, by your illness and by the alcohol. You were incapable of giving consent.”

Robert stared at him, his mouth opening and closing a couple times.

Vic spoke from where she sat on the other side of him, her voice choked. “Aaron’s right, Rob. You’re not responsible for what happened. Rebecca should have stopped it. She shouldn’t have…It was her responsibility to stop it… and she didn’t.” Vic’s voice was bitter at the end, bitterly angry at this woman who’d taken advantage of her brother, who’d pretended to be his friend. And maybe she hadn’t know that Robert was sick. 

But she must have known he was drunk. She must have known he was off his face if he was suddenly saying he didn’t care about Aaron, about their marriage. 

She must have known.

But she’d slept with him anyway.

END of CHAPTER 16


	17. CHAPTER 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron gets through to Robert. Vic does some thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the super long hiatus - I promise I won't leave my stories (any of my stories) unfinished. I just got a bit distracted for a bit... But here is another chapter for this one. I hope you guys like it! <3

Aaron could tell Robert wasn’t completely buying it. He had gone quiet, his gaze lowered as if he was unsure, as if the topic of consent was making him uncomfortable. Aaron kept a firm grasp on Robert’s hand, while his husband thought about what he and Vic had said. 

And then Robert spoke, insecurity permeating his every word. “I really… I really can’t be sure what happened… and that means… neither can you.” He let out a shaky breath, peeking up cautiously at Aaron’s face. “Can you really live with that, Aaron? With never knowing how much of what happened was me and how much was… not me?” 

There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation in his answer. “I can.” Robert searched his eyes and he stared back, so sure of his answer, so sure of Robert, that he felt like there was nothing more he needed to say on the topic. Robert swallowed, seemingly shrinking in on himself, as he retreated from that sureness. Every time he’d ever let Aaron down flashed to the forefront of his mind. He was too much of a screw up; he didn’t deserve to have someone with that much faith in him. He didn’t deserve it and it made him scared to move, scared to do anything at all, because he knew if he did, he’d mess it all up somehow. He’d mess it up. Just like he always did. 

Aaron’s brow furrowed as he watched Robert press himself into his mattress, as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible. What was this reaction? Why did his husband look so unsure when he himself was the complete opposite? Had he done even more damage than he realized over the past months? He leaned forward, pulling Robert gently up from the bed just enough for him to wrap his arms around him. He felt Robert shaking against his chest and he held him even tighter, trying to dissipate his doubts and insecurities with physical closeness. “I’m not going anywhere.” He found himself saying. 

That seemed to make the shaking worse. But as he clung on even more tightly, he realized Robert was sobbing, was finally believing that he wouldn’t leave, was finally melting into his embrace and letting his guard down. 

“I’ll probably mess up again.” Robert sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m always—“

“Me too.” Aaron responded simply. “We’ll just have to get better at forgiving each other.” He paused, regretful once more. “Well… I will. I’ll have to learn to not fly off the handle.” He laid his head on Robert’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “You’ve always been forgiving, right from the start. I don’t think you’ve ever held something I did wrong against me, not even for a second.”

“That’s because you don’t hurt other people when you make mistakes.” Robert choked out through his sobs. “You hurt yourself. But I… I hurt the people around me.”

“I won’t let you self destruct. I’ll be there. I’ll get you through.” Aaron spoke softly, holding Robert tightly until the sobs shaking his frame abated. “I’ll do better, from now on. I’ll do better.” He whispered. 

Robert’s fingers closed around the fabric of Aaron’s hoodie, clinging desperately to the tiny blossoming sprig of hope warming him from within.

* * * *

Vic was being productive. She’d left to give the two men some privacy, but she wasn’t collapsed in a bathroom stall crying her eyes out. She was asking questions, doing research. She was finding out what her brother’s diagnosis meant. And so far, what she’d found out was that it meant Robert was going to be very sick, very tired, and absolutely miserable. And that was just from the chemotherapy, leaving out the actual brain tumors themselves, which came with their own separate collection of symptoms. Blackouts. Memory loss. Migraines. Seizures. The list went on and on and on. With the majority of the tumors removed, the doctor theorized the symptoms would be less severe than they had been prior to the surgery. But there was no way to know. Recovering from brain surgery in itself was a somewhat daunting process. Robert was going to need to be on heavy painkillers for a while, meaning the glassy, slightly unfocused look of his eyes wasn’t going away any time soon. 

And he was going to need a lot of help. 

She could tell Aaron was committed, was ready to step up. He was sorry, truly sorry, for what he’d done, for hurting her brother. Sorry enough that she could let it go. And now her and Aaron knew the truth, knew about the blacking out, the drinking, the memory loss. Now they knew who the real culprit was. 

Rebecca. 

That lying, conniving bitch. 

She’d been totally fooled. All this time. She hadn’t seen Rebecca for what she really was: utterly obsessed with her brother. And Robert still couldn’t see it, see that it wasn’t his fault, that all culpability fell on her. But she’d work on that. She’d say it over and over, until she was blue in the face. He needed to understand, needed to be free of that guilt, because, right now, it was stopping him from really letting them help him, stopping him from feeling like it was okay to let them help in the first place. 

She shivered as she recalled his words. ‘It’d be better for you, for both of you, if I just… left. If you stayed angry and just assumed I’d gone.’ ‘And, if I didn’t, you know… make it…you wouldn’t have to deal with that either…’ ‘I didn’t want either of you forcing yourselves to do that.’ ‘I was trying to do what was best for you, instead of what was best for myself… for once in my damn life...’

That lawyer had been right. Robert’s confidence, his opinion of himself, had taken a drastic nosedive. And she knew it was partly because of her, because of what she’d said in that phone call. But there was more to Robert’s decline than that. This was more deep-seated, like something had been plaguing him, had been dragging him downwards, for a long, long time. 

She didn’t have to wonder what the root cause was for long. 

His relationship with Jack. She’d always known there was a reason, a real reason, a reason that Robert never shared with her, why he maintained, even to this day, such antagonism towards their father. She knew it was the cause of his issues with Andy. She knew it had made it extra difficult for him to come out. And she knew it had left Robert with an unquenchable need to prove himself, to prove that he was worth something. 

He’d spent his whole life up to this point trying to prove it. But, suddenly, it was as if he’d given up trying.

It was as if he’d embraced the idea. 

He really thought he was. Worthless. Undeserving of love. Undeserving of help. 

Undeserving in general.

And she had to fix that. She had to fix it urgently, because Robert was in for the fight of his life and right now… 

Right now he didn’t want to win.

END of CHAPTER 17


	18. CHAPTER 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv and Chas talk to Aaron on the phone. Robert has a scare. Aaron tries to get through to Robert.

CHAPTER 18

Liv had been waiting for Aaron to call all morning. The time for her to go to class had come and passed and Chas hadn’t said a word, hadn’t even attempted to persuade her to go. They sat at the kitchen table together, waiting, not speaking at all, not making any effort to fill the silence or distract themselves from the fact that there had been no news since Aaron had told Chas that Robert was in surgery. That was hours ago. 

If Robert had made it through… Aaron would have called them, immediately, wouldn’t he? So, if he hadn’t called… did that mean something had happened? Did that mean Robert wasn’t okay?

Liv shook her head, dislodging that disturbing line of questioning from her mind. No. Robert would be okay. Her family would be okay. 

And then the phone finally rang.

Her and Chas stared at it, suddenly hesitant to answer. It rang again. Chas reached out and put it on speaker phone.

“Aaron?” Liv asked, after a moment of heavy silence.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Aaron said, his voice tired and sad. They waited for him to gather his thoughts. “Look… Robert’s out of surgery. He made it through.” Liv and Chas deflated with relief, smiles creeping onto their faces. “But…” Aaron paused again and their grins slipped. “He’s… he’s still really sick. He’s got—“ Aaron’s words cut off at the sudden commotion on his end of the line. Liv and Chas could hear doctors and nurses in the background.

“He’s seizing!” 

“Push 10 milligrams Diazepam.”

“No response.”

“Push 2 milligrams Lorazepam.”

“Lorazepam in.”

“Still no response.”

“Push 2 more of Lorazepam.”

A pause.

“No change.”

“Try phenobarbital.”

An acceleration of beeping.

“He’s coding.”

“Get a crash cart.”

“Code blue.”

Aaron’s phone clattered to the ground and the line went dead. 

Liv and Chas stared at the phone, their blood running cold.

And then they were both out of their chairs, moving with long, hasty strides towards the door. 

They needed to be at the hospital.

* * * *

He’d been fine two minutes ago. He’d only left the room, only dragged himself a few hesitant steps down the hallway, because Robert seemed completely fine. 

But then, almost immediately after he called home, there was a flurry of activity in the hallway and Aaron had watched on in horror, the phone dangling forgotten from his hand, as doctors and nurses converged on Robert’s room. He stumbled on stiff legs over to the doorway, looking inside and seeing his husband convulsing in his hospital bed.

And then the heart monitor made that horrible noise, that noise that meant Robert’s heart had stopped beating.

“Code blue.”

“Charge paddles to 200.”

“Clear.”

“Charge to 300.”

“Clear.”

“Still V-fib.”

“Charge to 350.”

“Clear.”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“We’ve got sinus rhythm.”

Aaron felt air whoosh out of his lungs and he sank down to his knees in the doorway, his heart beating unevenly in his chest.

One of the nurses came over to him and helped him to his feet, leading him over to the chair beside Robert’s bed. He fell into it, his eyes flicking up and down Robert’s unnaturally still form. He took up Robert’s hand, his own shaking uncontrollably. The doctors and nurses moved around him, working over Robert, writing things down in his chart, using medical jargon Aaron didn’t understand. All he could do was sit there and watch his husband’s chest rise and fall, thanking the universe for that small, significant movement.

Robert’s doctor came over and sat next to him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t look away from Robert. Eventually she spoke in a calm, comforting voice. “I know that was shocking for you, Mr. Dingle. We’ve administered some preventative seizure medication now, so he’ll be groggy when he wakes, but it should keep him from having any more seizures for the time being.” 

Aaron closed his eyes, the reality of what had happened starting to set in. “Does this mean… something went wrong in the operation?” He squeezed Robert’s hand. “What… what does this mean?”

“It could be an after-effect of surgery. That’s one possibility.” The doctor answered. “But it could also be a symptom of the tumors themselves. We just can’t know for sure yet.” 

“So it could happen again?” Aaron asked in a frightened whisper.

“Yes, it could happen again.” The doctor responded somberly. 

“His heart stopped.” Aaron choked out. “That’s going to happen again?”

“No, it’s very unlikely that that will recur.” She responded calmly. “More than likely, Robert reacted badly to the combination of the drugs we had him on for the operation and the seizure medication. It should be alright now.” Aaron let out a relieved breath. “As for the seizures, we’ve put him on medication that will reduce the severity of any future attacks. If it happens again, it won’t be as bad as that.”

A tear ran down Aaron’s cheek. “How long until he wakes up?”

The doctor stood, patting him on the shoulder kindly. “Not long at all.” She left quietly.

It was barely a minute later when Robert’s eyes fluttered open. His gaze moved sluggishly around the room until it landed on Aaron’s pale, anxious face. “What happened?” His words came out slightly garbled, his voice weak. “What is it? What’s wrong?” 

Aaron wiped at the tears trickling from the corners of his eyes. “You, uh, had a seizure.” Robert’s brows pulled together in confusion and he looked at Aaron more closely, registering how absolutely distraught his husband was. “And your, well, your heart stopped.” He added in a choked whisper, blowing out a shuddering breath, and clutching Robert’s hand like a lifeline. 

Robert’s eyes widened, disturbed more by Aaron’s tearstained face than the news that he’d just had an extremely close call. He reached out with his free hand, cupping Aaron’s cheek and wiping away the tears there with his thumb. “I’m sorry. You must have been scared.” Tears pricked at his eyes as regret washed over him, regret for causing his husband pain yet again. “I’m really sorry, Aaron.” His voice came out small and remorseful.

Aaron looked at him strangely then, his eyes searching once more. “Robert, why the hell are you sorry?” He asked in a strangled voice, half angry, half frightened. “I almost lost you just now. You almost…” Aaron shook his head, closing his eyes against the thought. He stared unblinkingly at Robert, trying to communicate with his eyes as much as his words. “I was scared to death that we weren’t going to get our future together, the one we just fucking got back. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have nothing to apologize for.” He took a deep breath, his voice lowering back down to its normal volume. “I’m here because I love you. I’m here because there is nowhere I want to be more, because I want to, no I need to, be by your side. I need to help you through this, to be here for you, to support you. I need to.” 

Robert blinked back tears, his mouth downturned in a frown. “But… Aaron look what this is doing to you. Maybe, it’d be better for you to get some distance. You have to think about your mental health—“

Aaron gaped at him, his voice harsh as he interrupted the nonsense his husband was saying. “Robert! Don’t be ridiculous! My mental health would be in much worse shape if I was somewhere else, away from you, not knowing what’s going on, whether you’re okay or not.” Robert still looked unconvinced. He tried a different tact. “Imagine if our roles were reversed. Go on.” Robert shook his head, refusing to think about it. Aaron rolled his eyes in exasperation. “You would never, ever leave me. I know that. And I feel the exact same way, Robert. I’m not going. So stop feeling responsible for making me upset or whatever shit you’re blaming yourself for in that head of yours. I’m upset because I love you and you’re sick. That’s not your fault. So stop it. Now.” He glared down at him, fiercely. 

Robert stared at him with wide eyes full of something akin to wonder. “Aaron, you’re really…” The corners of his mouth pulled up. “You’re really amazing. Do you know that?” 

Aaron blushed crimson, diverted completely from his rant.

“Oh, shut it.” 

END of CHAPTER 18


	19. CHAPTER 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic hears about Robert's episode. Chas and Liv arrive. Chas has words with Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so so super duper long since I've updated this so idk if anyone who was reading it originally is still around, but I'm working on this one again (yay!?) so, if anyone remembers and was looking forward to new chapters, here they come!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

CHAPTER 19 : Blank

Aaron was sitting, his head laying on Robert’s hospital bed, his eyes wide and alert, still far too worried about his husband to even think about sleeping. Robert was gazing down at him, running his hand through his errant curls, trying to soothe his unease as best he could. 

That’s the scene Vic rushed into the room to find. “I heard. I just heard.” She said, slightly out of breath from running through the maze of hospital hallways. “Are you okay? What’s going on? What—?“

“Everything’s fine, Vic. Come sit down.” Robert spoke calmly, unhappy he was causing the people he loved so much anxiety and determined to alleviate it as much as possible. 

Vic turned to look at Aaron, who had sat up upon her entry, as if to check that Robert really was fine, that he wasn’t downplaying what had happened. But looking at Aaron’s face, seeing the tension and the worry there, did absolutely nothing to soothe her. She looked back at Robert as she lowered herself into the empty chair beside his bed. “Tell me what happened.” Her voice cracked with stress.

Robert peeked at Aaron, not wanting to bring up what had happened again and upset him further. Aaron seemed to pick up on his hesitation, though, and frowning, he squeezed Robert’s hand with his own and recounted recent events for Vic in a somber tone. 

Vic’s eyes grew wide and her worried gaze flickered rapidly between Robert and Aaron. “But it won’t happen again, right? The doctor said…”

Aaron swallowed, controlling his voice. “She said his heart stopping was probably a side-effect of putting the seizure meds into his system so soon after surgery, that it was a bad reaction to the combination of drugs he was on. She said it shouldn’t happen again.” He rubbed his free hand over his face. “But he might have another seizure. Not as bad, but… but still.” His voice trailed off.

Robert watched Aaron’s face, how his jaw clenched with tension, how the worry line between his brows remained there even after he finished speaking. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like that he was the reason Aaron was feeling like this, was having to deal with this. It didn’t feel right. 

It weighed on him the way guilt weighs on the conscience.

Because the only way he’d ever been able to rationalize it being okay for him to be with Aaron was by convincing himself that he could make Aaron happy, that he somehow could make up for all his other deficits and faults by putting Aaron first. But now he was making him miserable, causing him pain, taking far more than he could ever give back. He was asking for something he’d never earned the right to ask for. He couldn’t accept Aaron’s help. It was too much. It threw them too far out of balance. 

It wasn’t fair of him. It wasn’t fair.

Before he could think about it further, Liv and Chas came hurdling into the room. Aaron looked up, startled, and bit his lip guiltily.

“Aaron!” Chas shouted at him, half angry, half relieved. “We thought…” Her eyes flicked to Robert and then back to Aaron. “You gave us both a heart attack. Why didn’t you call us back?”

Aaron lowered his head in apology, rubbing a thumb in agitated circles over the back of Robert’s hand. “’m sorry.” He told them. “I just…” He peeked at Robert. “I couldn’t leave again.” His voice shook as recent events clouded his thoughts. 

Robert frowned in confusion, stealing a quick look at Chas and Liv, before training his gaze on his lap. They were just here for Aaron, he reminded himself. They weren’t here for him. Chas would likely have preferred his heart not start beating again, after all. So he’d just keep quiet and let them have their time with Aaron.

Chas looked at Robert, unsettled by his lack of response to their presence. She noticed how he seemed to be avoiding looking in their direction. She sighed. The last few times she’d spoken to him she’d been extremely angry; she’d been, quite frankly, ready for him to permanently disappear from their lives, from her son’s life especially. 

But things were different now.

He was sick. Everything that had happened suddenly had new, perspective-changing explanations, explanations that even she, whose top priority was always her son and his wellbeing, couldn’t just dismiss. Her mind kept dredging up that day she’d driven Robert to the hospital, how she’d known he was hiding something, how she’d assumed the worst so easily about what that something was. Hadn’t she made promises to Aaron when he’d gotten sent down that she’d look after the people he loved, that she’d look after Robert, in his absence? It shamed her to admit that she had failed her son, that she hadn’t even sort of kept that promise. She looked at the man in front of her now, thin and frail, spidery limbs curled around himself as he laid in his hospital bed with eyes downturned, and felt guilt rile her stomach. She should have noticed this deterioration happening right in front of her, should have spent at least some of her time worrying about her son-in-law, about how he was doing, how he was coping. It shouldn’t have taken him cracking his head open to make her notice he didn’t look well. And she shouldn’t have turned on him so quickly, so harshly, when she found out what happened with Rebecca. Because even then, as she’d stood screaming at him for betraying her son, his eyes had looked oddly vacant, like his body was an empty vessel, and that should have given her pause, should have made her stop yelling and start asking questions. 

She hadn’t done her job as Aaron’s mother, as Robert’s mother-in-law. She hadn’t kept her promise.

She walked over to Robert’s bedside and sat down next to Aaron, her eyes on the man in the hospital bed. “Robert,” She started, her voice dripping with regret, “I owe you an apology. More than that… I owe you a thousand apologies.” Robert’s brows pulled together in confusion, but he still didn’t raise his gaze to look at her. She noticed his hand twitch in Aaron’s. “I was meant to be looking after you for Aaron. I… was meant to be looking after you the way you were looking out for me and Liv and the Pub and the Scrapyard and everything else.” She swallowed, feeling even guiltier as everything Robert did for her over the past weeks listed themselves in her mind. “I should have been helping you more. I should have noticed you weren’t okay earlier and, at the hospital that day, I should’ve asked more questions, should’ve gone with you when you got checked out by the doctors.” She frowned, upset. “I knew something was wrong. I was the only one here who knew something was wrong and I… I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t push you to tell me what the doctors said when I should’ve. I didn’t ask you how you were feelings in the days after you got hurt.” Her eyes welled up. “And I didn’t give you the chance to explain when I found you with Rebecca, even though you looked all kinds of off, even though I knew how much you loved my son, how much you’d done for him. I let Aaron down. And I let you down. I’m so sorry, Robert.” She felt his gaze lift, finally, and met his eyes contritely. 

But whatever she expected to see there, annoyance, perhaps anger, she didn’t see. Instead she was met with eyes that absolutely screamed discomfort, filled to the brim with abhorrence, abhorrence that was very clearly directed inward. Before she could fully process what she’d glimpsed in his expression, Robert was responding to her.

“No, you… you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” He spoke with a strange urgency. “I didn’t want anyone to know; I’m the one that hid I was ill from everyone. And with Rebecca… you were just looking out for Aaron. I understand. I’m glad he has you looking out for him.” I’m glad he has someone to look after him when I’m gone. 

They all heard the subtext. Chas’s brow furrowed with worry. Vic’s eyes watered. Liv looked shocked. 

And Aaron looked angry.

But Robert… Robert just looked sort of blank.

END of CHAPTER 19


	20. CHAPTER 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Different characters come to different realizations about Robert and what they need to do to support him going forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically an entire chapter on the characters thinking. Idk if it'll be very fun to read, but I'm kind of trying to set up everything that's going to happen later on so I needed to spend some time with each character and have them draw certain conclusions. I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. More to come soon :)

CHAPTER 20 : They’d get there.

“What…? What’s going on?” Liv asked tearfully from where she stood by the door. “What happened with Rebecca? And why are you talking like that?” She glared at Robert, but more potent than the anger in her expression, was the visible fear. She’d heard it, too, the way Robert was distancing himself emotionally from every single one of them right in front of their faces, how he was forgiving them for all their trespasses while he still had the chance to cleanse their blackened consciences, trying to make them feel better, to feel guilt-free, as if he wouldn’t be there to do it later, as if he knew he’d be leaving them behind. It was like he was laying the groundwork for a future he wouldn’t be around for. 

And she couldn’t stand it.

Aaron stood, enveloping her in a hug, cooing at her softly and petting her hair. Only then did she realize there were tears running down her face, that her entire frame was shaking with silent sobs. “Come on, don’t cry. Come sit down and we’ll chat, yeah?” Aaron asked her after her shaking had subsided some. She nodded, her eyes flicking to Robert, who was wearing his worry for her so plainly on his face that it made her feel guilty for her emotional outburst. 

Once she was seated next to Aaron to one side of Robert’s bed, with Chas and Vic sitting across from them at the other, Aaron grabbed up Robert’s hand and began talking. “When I called before, I was about to tell you…” He swallowed, peeking at Robert, whose eyes were watching him carefully. “I was about to tell you that Rob’s been diagnosed with brain cancer.” His voice squeaked oddly at the end and Liv and Chas stared at him, dismayed and dazed, before turning their eyes on Robert. He glanced at them sadly, seeing that they too were upset by the news and feeling like even more of a burden than he had before. 

He was making everyone cry.

Aaron began speaking again. “The first surgery went well. The surgeon was able to remove most of the tumors… but he’s going to need chemotherapy and radiation.” Aaron swallowed, the fear closing up his throat. “And then, maybe, more surgeries after that…” Robert absentmindedly brushed his thumb lightly across Aaron’s cheek, comforting him instinctually. Aaron caught his hand and held it to his face, appearing to draw strength from the touch as he straightened his posture and a steely determination flashed in his eyes. “It’s going to be hard, really hard, but we’re going to make it through this.” He met everyone’s eyes one by one and then growled as his gaze settled back on Robert. “All of us.”

* * * * 

They spent the day in Robert’s hospital room, all of them shifting positions, standing and pacing for short durations, and then sitting again. There was a slowly easing tension, one that had accompanied Liv and Chas into the room, and as it eased, Robert slowly grew more comfortable and fell into his normal rhythm with Liv and Aaron, chatting and teasing, a smile working its way onto his face. Vic spoke little, seemingly still shocked by the scare earlier that day. Chas, on the other hand, was busy watching, watching this new beaten down version of Robert, her eyes going wider the more she watched. She saw how he tiptoed around every topic of conversation, scared to offend, how he was quick to make self-deprecating remarks, how his eyes flicked over to Aaron every few seconds, needing reassurance that his words and actions were acceptable. It was dramatic, the change she saw in him, and it scared her. Had Aaron noticed this? Had he noticed how different his husband was? Was this because of the brain surgery? Or was this change engendered by the events of the last few months, by the way she and Vic and Aaron had treated him? 

She realized she couldn’t possibly know the answer, as she hadn’t been paying attention to Robert, hadn’t cared enough to notice changes in his behavior and mannerisms. She couldn’t know what the root cause was, but the changes were undeniable and she found herself hoping, for the sake of all of them in that room, that they weren’t permanent. She found herself missing the snarky, confident soul Robert used to be. Chas looked away from the family before her, wiping away the tear that rolled down her cheek. 

She had a lot to make up for. She had a lot to make up to Robert. She hoped it wasn’t too late to do that.

* * * *

Liv thought he sounded off, somehow. He was smiling, talking to her like everything was fine, like they used to talk, her, Robert, and Aaron, before all of this happened, before prison, before everything started slipping out of their grasp. But he was also careful in a way he hadn’t been before, hesitant and unsure about their reactions to the things he said, unsure whether they would, at any moment, decide he wasn’t worth their time, stand up, and leave him alone in his sickbed. 

And she didn’t understand why that was. 

This was a different Robert than the one she’d spoken to at Aaron’s welcome home party. He may have been a bit more reserved, a bit quieter, and just generally tired during the time Aaron was in prison, but he’d still had faith in their family, had trusted that they would all come through together and stronger than ever. It seemed like, in a remarkably small time span, an enormous amount of doubt had crept into her brother in law’s mind, had jackhammered cracks into their family’s solid foundation. 

Was it because of this thing that had happened with Rebecca that no one seemed to want to tell her about? What’d happened? She promised herself she’d ask Aaron again next time they were on their own. 

She felt like she needed to dig, to get to the bottom of where all this doubt was coming from, because a niggling feeling buzzing at the back of her brain was warning her that if she didn’t, they’d lose Robert. 

They’d lose him.

* * * *

Aaron noticed. He noticed all of it, the way Robert was tiptoeing on egg shells with him and Liv, the shock and regret on his mother’s face, the growing worry that replaced it as she watched them interact, and the flickering fear in Liv’s eyes as she observed the person that had become like a second brother to her waver and falter and hesitate. Normalcy. That was the only thing that’d get Robert to feel like himself again. Normalcy and an overwhelming show of support from his loved ones. 

He was past the initial shock he’d felt upon seeing that Robert was different, different then he used to be, because, slowly but surely, he’d begun to see glimpses of his husband underneath, struggling to find his footing, struggling to trust them all again. That was what was really broken, he thought, Robert’s ability to trust them, to trust that they really did care, that they really wouldn’t abandon him when the going got rough (as if it wasn’t rough already). They’d all let him down, lost that trust, and now they had to earn it back, and Robert had to open himself back up again and allow them to. It would take time, but Aaron could see Robert trying and, he hoped, Robert could see all of them trying. 

They’d get there. 

END of CHAPTER 20


	21. CHAPTER 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron discuss some of their worries. Vic becomes concerned about their dynamic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This has been ages and ages in the making, I know. Thanks to everyone who commented and asked if I'd be continuing - I swear every time I got one of those in my inbox it got my mind working on this story again. It took so long and I'm sorry I made you guys wait so long for it, but here's an update! I hope you guys like it; it ended up veering off in an unexpected direction with Vic at the end of the chapter (you'll see what I mean). 
> 
> I kind of wanted to comment here just a bit on the thinking Vic does at the end of the chapter... She's got the wrong idea mostly, like she jumps to an extreme that isn't correct, but I'm using that to bring up something that's always bugged me about Robert and Aaron's relationship (specifically during this time period with all the Rebecca and prison nonsense) and that's their power dynamic, which I feel like is shifted very much towards Aaron... Like I feel like Robert does a lot of bending over backwards to be the person Aaron wants him to be? Idk if anyone feels the same but that is what I'm getting at just a bit here - I do not think what Vic comes to think in this chapter. Yeah, I felt like that needed saying so no one gets the wrong idea and gets upset with me...
> 
> Okay, long chapter note sorry. Please enjoy <3

CHAPTER 21 : Put a Stop to It

Robert was tired, really tired, absolutely bone-weary with exhaustion. That was obvious from the way his eyelids drooped every few seconds and his head dropped back against his pillow with increasing frequency. But he was also fidgeting like mad, despite his fatigue, and Aaron couldn’t quite get a handle on what was making his husband so restless. After a particularly manic twitch, Aaron couldn’t hold back anymore. “Robert?”

Robert smoothed the bed covers over his lap, not looking up as he responded. “Hmm?”

Aaron cocked an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to raise his gaze. Robert sighed, his hands stilling, and met his eyes contritely. “Rob, what’s going on? What are you fussing about?”

Robert’s eyes flicked over to the doorway Vic, Liv, and Chas had exited through about fifteen minutes prior. “Liv’s got classes tomorrow. She already missed today; she can’t afford to miss tomorrow too.” He fidgeted uncomfortably. “She’ll be dead on her feet if she doesn’t get some sleep at home in her own bed. It’s already late…”

Aaron tilted his head, eyes appraising and trained on Robert’s face. “You're in the hospital. She just found out you've got brain cancer. I think it'll be okay if she misses a couple days of school." Aaron responded quietly, watching Robert's brow furrow and his gaze drop. 

"She shouldn't miss school because of me." He said, just as quietly. Aaron frowned at him, opening his mouth to speak, but Robert continued, cutting him off. "I'm going to be in the hospital a lot the next couple months. She can't miss school every single time; she'll flunk out."

Aaron didn’t respond for a moment, trying to understand what underlying worry was inspiring his husband’s words. Then he decided the reason didn’t change what his answer would be. “Rob, look, I’ll talk to her teachers if I have to.” Robert opened his mouth to argue, but Aaron spoke again before he could. “She wants to be here. She wants to help you through this and I’m not going to send her home if that’s what she wants.”

Robert spoke with urgency now, his eyes pleading. “Aaron, it’s not good for her to be around this. She shouldn’t be anywhere near it.” 

“And by that you mean, what? That she shouldn’t be around you?” Aaron asked, comprehension dawning. “You think I should send her home and tell her not to worry, tell her you’ll be fine, treat her like she’s a kid who can’t handle it and keep the truth from her?”

Robert avoided his gaze, fidgeting with the covers once more. “She shouldn’t have to watch me die.”

Aaron’s eyes flashed and he spoke with a hiss, punctuating each word sharply. “She’s not going to.”

“You… Aaron…” Robert sighed, his face scrunching up with discomfort. “We both know the odds.” He said quietly.

Aaron’s mouth flattened into a grim, determined line. “What do odds have to do with us? Who cares about the flippin’ odds. We’ve been through so much shit, Robert. Do you really think the odds were in our favor all this time? Do you think the odds were good that we’d still be together after everything that’s happened?”

Robert met his determined gaze with hopeless eyes. “But Aaron… all those other times there was something I could do, something… someone I could fight. I don’t know how to fight this. I can’t smooth-talk my way out of brain cancer.”

Aaron’s eyes softened and he grabbed up Robert’s hands, stilling his twitching fingers. “But you’re not the only one fighting this time, Rob. You’ve got me and Vic and Liv and even me mum in your corner. We’ll do everything we can to get you through this.” 

“What if I die anyway?” Robert asked, his voice trembling and his eyes tearing up as they flickered back and forth between Aaron’s. “What happens to all of you if I die after you’ve gotten your hopes up, after you’ve done so much positive thinking that you’ve actually convinced yourself I’m going to live?”

Aaron bowed his head, clenching his teeth together as he tried to ward off the fear that rumbled through his chest at Robert’s words. He couldn’t lose him. It wasn’t an option. “You’re not going to die.” His voice scratched out. “You can’t.” Robert opened his mouth to try, once more, to get Aaron to understand, but Aaron cut across him, his voice rising in volume and cracking with emotion. “No. You don’t get to fucking die, Robert. You don’t get to leave me here, all alone without you for the rest of my life. You have to stay. You have to fight to stay because I can’t…” Aaron shook his head, the welled up wetness in his eyes spilling down over his cheeks. “I can’t. Without you, I can’t.” There was a heavy silence. 

Robert stared at Aaron, the burden of responsibility weighing heavily on his chest, suffocating him with its immensity. He can’t? He can’t what? But as much as he didn’t want to understand, to internalize, the meaning of what his husband was saying, he knew. 

I can’t go on. I can’t go on without you.

That’s what Aaron was saying to him and it made him want to scream because, no, Aaron was not allowed to think that way. Not ever. And definitely not now when he was well on his way to being dead and Aaron was talking about following him. Hearing those words made him feel like miniature glaciers had formed in his stomach and were now chilling him from the inside out. 

No. 

It couldn't be like this. Aaron couldn't be like this, couldn't talk about giving up, about not going on, if he didn't survive. It was as if a heavy burden, the heaviest of burdens, had just been dropped on his already weak, weary shoulders. He stared at Aaron with his mouth agape, shaking his head slowly back and forth. He looked down at their intertwined hands. "Aaron..." He managed to choke out. "Aaron you can't... please don't say that. You'll be fine. You're strong- you're the strongest person I know. You've got Liv and Chas. You'll be fine." He trailed off, watching Aaron's face, which was still halfway concealed from him, scrunch up as if he was trying to hold back distressed sobs. Robert's eyes teared up as he observed his husband struggling. "You have to be fine." He whispered.

The men sat in tense silence after that, Aaron desperately trying to reign in his unruly emotions, and Robert sitting with a furrow between his brows, deep in thought about what the best course of action would be going forward, about how he could best protect the family he'd be leaving behind. 

Liv, Vic, and Chas returned a while later, all of them stopping short in the doorway as if the tension could be felt, as if it was physically making the air thicker and gloomier and difficult to wade through. 

Liv swallowed down the uncomfortable dryness that had assailed her throat and proceeded forward with careful steps, her eyes flicking between her brother and Robert. “Is… is everything okay?” She asked timidly.

“Fine. Everything’s fine.” Robert said softly. “I was just talking to Aaron about… you all must be exhausted and everything’s… stable for now so –“

“He’s just worrying over stupid things.” Aaron interrupted in a falsely cheery voice that contrasted sharply with the sadness in his eyes. Robert closed his mouth, his brows pulling together and his gaze falling. “Everything’s fine.” 

They all made their way over, tentatively, reclaiming their respective chairs by Robert’s bedside. Chas and Liv scoured Aaron’s expression, trying to glean insight into what he was upset about. 

But Vic was watching Robert.

She was watching how he seemed to shrink back into himself at Aaron’s reprimand, how all the progress he had seemed to have made, the way he’d started opening up to all of them again since they’d reunited after his surgery, was lost in an instant. Suddenly, he was small and careful and unsure again. He wasn’t looking anyone in the eye. His head was bent, his posture almost… submissive. 

Whatever he and Aaron had been talking about that had made them both so upset… Aaron had quashed it, had dismissed the subject, and Robert, rather than arguing or attempting to bring it up again, had fallen back, looking timorous, completely cowed by Aaron’s words. Her brother looked… distressed, like he was upset with himself, like he was berating himself inside his head. 

And she didn’t like it.

Her attention turned to Aaron, who was manufacturing light conversation with Liv and Chas. Why had Robert reacted so oddly to what he’d said? And why did Aaron not seem to notice that her brother had just completely retreated back into his shell, the one they’d been trying to lure him out of since he woke up. 

Was Robert… was he afraid of Aaron? 

She’d scarcely have believed it less than 24 hours ago, but now she’d learned of another side to Aaron, a violent side. And the way Robert had reacted just now… he’d seemed almost… intimidated. It couldn’t be… right? Aaron hurting her brother had been a one time thing, hadn’t it? He’d never gotten physical with Robert before, had he? No… No, Aaron wasn’t like that… And there’s no way her brother would have put up with an abusive relationship. There’s no way…

Right?

But then why had Robert said what he had before? When Aaron had apologized for hurting him, Robert had responded… well… he’d responded like an abuse victim, hadn’t he? ‘I deserved what I got.’ Wasn’t that a strange response for someone who’d never been hit, who’d never been abused, before?

The thought made Vic’s insides go cold. 

She must have it wrong. She must be missing… something. There’s no way. There’s just no way… But as her eyes flicked between Aaron and her brother, she felt as if something was off between them, that there was an uneven power distribution in their relationship, that, now that she thought about it, had always been there. Was it abusive? She didn’t know. But there was something wrong about how Robert had backed down the way he did, like he was scared of what would happen if he pushed even a little bit, if he didn’t just let Aaron have his way. It didn’t sit right with her.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched Aaron speaking to Liv and Chas, looking completely unfazed by the way Robert had just shut up and shut down. Had he really just not noticed? Or had he not noticed because this is how Robert always responded to conflicts between them? Was this normal to him? Did Robert always capitulate to him this way?

She wracked her brain, trying to remember the exchanges between them that she’d seen, but she couldn’t really remember noticing anything off before now. Had she just been blind to it, blind to this skewed dynamic they seemed to have? She didn’t know. 

But if there was something… wrong there, then she was going to find out. She was watching now. She was paying attention now. If Aaron was hurting her brother, if he wasn’t treating him right, she sure as hell was going to put a stop to it.

END of CHAPTER 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so... what'd you guys think about all of that? Please do comment if you have feelings/opinions/questions/etc. I'm trying to work a lot of Robert's insecurities into this and I'm sort of making them exacerbated by his illness and the moments leading up to him going into surgery. So I'm trying to get his abandonment issues and his feelings of being undeserving in at the same time, but I think those two things lead to conflicting thoughts and actions sometimes so that's why in this chapter I have him sort of getting into his stride in an argument with Aaron where he's worrying about them giving up too much for him and then being sort of shut up very suddenly by the feeling that he's overstepped his bounds telling Aaron what to do with Liv. 
> 
> Geez sorry I feel like I've wrote more in the notes than in the actual chapter. Anyways, hope you guys liked it. Please do comment if you have time <3


	22. CHAPTER 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert undergoes an internal struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short. It's Robert's POV following Aaron's comment. I gave Vic's POV last chapter. This time I'll cover Robert's. And then next time I think I'll cover Aaron's... yeah there's a lot of time in this story spent in the characters' heads. What can I say... I minored in psychology ;)
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it <3

CHAPTER 22 : Just a couple more?

“He’s just worrying over stupid things.” Aaron interrupted in a falsely cheery voice that contrasted sharply with the sadness in his eyes. Robert closed his mouth, his brows pulling together and his gaze falling. “Everything’s fine.” 

Oh. 

His heart jack rabbited in his chest and his eyes filled with wetness. He blinked slowly, trying not to draw attention to himself. The tears didn't fall. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

He needed to shut the hell up. 

Liv wasn't his sister. He forgot sometimes, forgot that she wasn't really his family. He loved her like she was and he'd do anything to keep her happy and safe... but, still, he had no business telling Aaron how to take care of her. It wasn't his place. He was out of line. He was so out of line. And if he didn't get back in line, if he kept butting in when he had no right to do so, he'd lose everything. Aaron would change his mind about him, would turn tail and leave and take Liv with him.

So he needed to stop.

He needed to stop giving Aaron reasons to leave him. He didn't want to do this by himself. Now that Aaron was here holding his hand, now that he had his family supporting him at his bedside, he couldn't imagine going through what was coming without them. He didn't want to fight this fight alone. He wanted his family here, helping him, giving him hope and courage and all the other things he could only get from them. He was scared to death of making a wrong move, of saying the wrong thing, and driving them away. But... he knew the moment would come when he would do just that. 

Because he was a train wreck on two legs. He looked like a man, talked like a man, walked like a man, but he was a wrecking ball knocking down loved ones and enemies alike with every decision he made, with every word he spoke, with every breath he took. It was only a matter of time before they realized, before any forgiveness they had bestowed upon him evaporated as he took their time and their patience and their kindness, took it and gave nothing back. He wanted to be good; he wanted to care for them and return their love the right way. He wanted to deserve them, but he did not and he never would, never could, for he had nothing to give back to them. There was no goodness in him. He wasn't selfless or kind or loving. 

No. 

He was broken, had been since early, early on. His father had seen it, had seen him, for what he was. Even relation by blood couldn't make a man love a monster. And so his father never had loved him, had, from the earliest days he could remember, looked at him with something like revulsion swirling behind his eyes. He had peered into the face of a young, innocent boy and seen the poisonous nature Robert would come to possess, a nature no amount of beatings could nullify, rectify, or reverse... Not that he didn't try to beat the monster out of him. Not that he didn't spend many a night attempting to rewire Robert's brain through pain and punishment, through the whistling swing of a belt, through the thump of a clenched fist. It just hadn't worked. The poison had spread and he'd grown into exactly what his father had foreseen.

A monster. 

He was. He must be. How else could he be such a screw up? How else could he cause such immeasurable damage and devastation to these people sitting at his bedside? How else could he have the gall to ask them, to guilt them into, staying and supporting him, sacrificing precious time, moments upon moments of their lives that they'd miss out on because, instead of being outside in the world, living, they were stuck here with him. 

He was terrified of losing them, of the moment they left him to succumb to his illness on his own, of the moment that would undeniably come to pass. He was trying with all his might to hold himself in check, to stop himself from making the mistake, from saying the hurtful thing, that would make them walk out. He wanted as much time with them as he could get, every extra second. 

But he knew, too, that every extension of time he got to have with them meant an extra second they would be around him, having to watch him have seizures and migraines and black outs, having to watch him lose his hair and get steadily sicker and frailer, having to sit in waiting rooms wondering if he'll survive another surgery. Every extra second he gets with them means an extra second they'll spend watching him die. 

He was worried, so so worried about his family, about the damage watching him wither away bit by bit would do to them. He didn't want Liv, he didn't want Aaron, forever haunted by their last memories of him, of the faded imprint left of him after chemo and the cancer took their unavoidable toll. And, because of that, he felt guilty for every moment they spent with him, every moment they spent at his side instead of out in the world living their lives. It had been barely a day and, already, he felt as if life outside was moving on without him, and much worse, without them. 

It was wrong of him to cling onto them this way, to bite his tongue in the hopes that they would be driven away later rather than sooner. If there ever was a time for him to do something decent, it was now, it was right now. He could make them hate him. He could make them leave and never come back. He just had to open his mouth and let the poison flowing through his veins come pouring out of his mouth. He knew just the words to say to make them abandon him, how to hit them at their weakest points, how to hurt them so deeply even their most sympathetic of instincts would evaporate. He could do it. He knew exactly how. 

But.

His eyes shone with tears and he blinked rapidly to keep the wetness back. He didn't want to hurt them. He didn't want to have to say the things he'd need to say. He didn't want to watch them walk out the door. He didn't want to be abandoned. 

Not again. 

He should do it. He knew he should do it. But he wanted, no he needed, just a bit more time. Just a little bit more. A couple days. Just a couple of days more of them caring about him, of them worrying about him and sitting with him and holding his hand. That wasn't too selfish, right? That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

Just a couple more?

END of CHAPTER 22


	23. CHAPTER 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's POV and Liv's POV following Aaron's comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I know this is a lot of thought process and not a lot of action, but I'm setting up everything for later on when the plot actually... progresses so hang in there? Or maybe wait for the action-filled chapters later on and read everything as a block so it's less boring? Idk but I hope you guys enjoy it - I'm working on different angles of Robert's issues and trying to address them through different characters and plot lines so it's all going to come together later, but for now we have to jump from POV to POV to get a feel for different characters' responses. Hmm... I'm rambling. I should stop. So, I hope you guys like it :)

CHAPTER 23 : Worth Staying For

“He’s just worrying over stupid things.” Aaron interrupted in a falsely cheery voice that contrasted sharply with the sadness in his eyes. Robert closed his mouth, his brows pulling together and his gaze falling. “Everything’s fine.” 

Yeah. Right.

Aaron's ears were ringing. 

Robert was talking about dying on him. He was all calm and collected, like he had already accepted that his death was a given, like he'd already come to terms with the fact that there was no chance of him beating the cancer, no chance of them getting the future that they'd planned, a future where they were together and happy and finally past all the craziness. 

Aaron was ready for an all-out war against this illness, ready to spend every waking hour taking care of the person he loved, every minute making sure Robert had whatever he needed, every second projecting positivity and optimism and sureness. He was so determined to get Robert through this, to be a pillar of strength for his husband. 

But then there was Robert, who wasn't preparing for a fight at all, who was preparing for a loss instead, for the greatest of losses. Aaron didn't understand why, why Robert was giving up this way, why he was so devoid of hope. He didn't understand what had happened, what had changed, to make Robert uninterested in fighting for his own survival. He didn't understand when exactly the fight had gone out of his husband, when the look of steely determination that he loved, the look that made him feel safe and comforted, had vanished from Robert's eyes. Where was it? Where had it gone? Why had it gone? 

And how the hell did he get it back?

He spoke words to Liv and Chas, meaningless thoughtless words that he couldn't remember a second after they'd left his mouth. The both of them looked at him as if they desperately wanted to ask what had happened between he and Robert whilst they'd been out of the room, but they did not, their worried eyes flickering between his face and Robert's. He, on the other hand, didn't look at Robert, not wanting to acknowledge the things his husband had said before, not wanting to even consider they could be true. 

He needed him to fight. 

He needed Robert to use every ounce of strength and willpower to fight to live, to fight to stay. He sighed audibly and finally turned his gaze on his husband, ready to resume their discussion, to push harder, to push until Robert changed his tune, until the spark returned to his eyes. 

But this intention went straight out the window when he saw that Robert had shrunk back into himself, his limbs tucked, his head bowed, and his eyes far, far away. Aaron was immediately transported back to how Robert had been when he and Vic has first seen him after surgery, had talked to him about what had happened with Rebecca and asked him to explain what he'd been planning to do after surgery, when they'd found out he was going to suffer in secrecy, to tell no one and leave Emmerdale, to fight and, possibly, die all on his own. It made him suck in an alarmed breath. 

His gaze flew from Robert's distracted eyes to Vic's, who, he was surprised to find, were already laser focused on him. Even more surprising was the expression on her face, half suspicious, half angry. Most surprisingly of all, though, was that her anger and suspicion seemed to be directed at him. 

And that was baffling. 

Because... what had he done? He couldn't think of a single reason to explain her suddenly aiming such animosity in his direction. All he'd been doing was talking to Chas and Liv about trivial nonsense, about nothing of any consequence. Perhaps she thought he'd said something to upset Robert, to make him withdraw back into himself the way he had. 

But he hadn't. 

If anyone should be upset, it was him, after hearing Robert basically say he'd already given up. He should be upset and angry and glaring at people. Not her. 

So why was she?

He shook his head, confused, and looked away from Vic. Whatever it was, she could fume about it by herself. He didn't have energy to spare on worrying about Vic's hurt feelings. 

Because he had a husband he needed to convince to live. 

* * * *

Liv understood her brother was under a great deal of pressure, that he was emotional and worried and sleep deprived too. It was obviously an unfortunate combination. She wasn't angry at him. She wasn't. She knew he was spread very thin at the moment, that he was taking as much of the burden of the news about Robert onto his own shoulders so that she, and Chas and Vic too, but mostly so that she, wouldn't have to deal with the worst of it. She knew that.

But that didn't completely excuse him. 

That didn't mean he could just talk to people however he wanted. It didn't mean he could just wave off other people's fears and worries and say that those fears and worries were stupid. As if only his own were valid. As if Robert having separate thoughts and concerns was something ridiculous. To say the least, she'd been... taken aback by the way Aaron had so offhandedly dismissed Robert earlier. It wasn't completely foreign to her, Aaron making the final decision when the two men disagreed. Robert was sort of a pushover when it came to her brother. He always gave in and agreed to what her brother wanted because his main priority always, and she loved him for this, was making Aaron happy. It was wonderful and it seemed to work for them. But, just now, when Aaron had shut him down that way, it had felt wrong, somehow, like he was taking advantage of the fact that Robert always gave him his way. 

It made her uncomfortable, maybe because he'd said what he'd said, in a way that was so belittling, in front of all of them. She knew their dynamic, how they usually functioned as a unit. She lived with them, so it wasn't completely shocking to her. 

But Chas and Vic... they didn't usually see this part. Aaron and Robert were private, both of them, and didn't usually argue or settle arguments in front of others. Liv wouldn't be surprised if Vic and Chas thought they got along pretty much perfectly, because, aside from when they had their major blowouts in their admittedly rocky past, the two men didn't fight, didn't even squabble the tiniest bit, when they were in public. But now they'd just been given a front row seat to the settling of an unknown argument in a very one-sided, somewhat rude, way. Even, she, who was used to the way Robert would fold when Aaron put his foot down, was unsettled by this particular case.

And looking at Aaron now, she was pretty sure he hadn't really noticed, hadn't really felt that the brushing off he'd just given was anything odd or different. 

And maybe it wasn't. 

Maybe it was exactly how he always pushed aside Robert's feelings and wants and took his own way. But that way of doing things, suddenly felt... harsh. Their dynamic suddenly seemed unhealthy, skewed too far in Aaron's favor. And, turning now to look at Robert, she thought she understood why that was. 

He wasn't the same. He wasn't as tough or thick-skinned as he used to be. Words didn't bounce off of him anymore. They stuck. They pierced through. They wormed their way into his consciousness and nibbled and prodded at his fears and his insecurities. He was weaker than he'd ever been, incapable of fighting back, verbally or physically, even if he wanted to. It was like Aaron had gone from occasionally yanking the leash of a large, sometimes aggressive canine, to kicking a puppy in front of an audience. 

It wasn't right. It upset her to watch. 

And maybe Aaron hadn't realized, hadn't understood how completely vulnerable Robert's psyche was right now. Liv didn't think he'd hurt Robert on purpose; she knew he wouldn't. But he was used to a Robert that it was very difficult to hurt and, therefore, was careless about the barbs and spikes being thrown with his words. Normally, Robert could take it. Normally, he wouldn't have even blinked.

But this version of Robert was so easily hurt, was so frail and defenseless, it was scary. They needed to be careful with this Robert, needed to treat him with kid gloves. She could see that so clearly. 

But apparently her brother couldn't.

Aaron was jabbering about some nonsense and she was waiting for him to look at Robert, waiting for him to notice the effect his words had, his careless, dismissive words. But he wasn't looking. Why wasn't he looking? It was taking ages and Robert kept going white at odd moments and curling up on himself even more. 

It made her think of a tortoise withdrawing all of its limbs into its shell. And then it made her think of an opossum rolling over and playing dead, praying desperately that no one and no thing will notice it, will pay it any attention. Yes, that's how Robert looked right now. Like he was scared to move a muscle, scared to even breathe, for fear of driving them away. No. Driving her brother away. Because that, she knew, was Robert's deepest, most desperate fear. Being abandoned. Losing Aaron. Losing the only person he'd every loved, the only person that he believed had ever truly loved him, who had completely known him and loved him anyway. That was the fear that was written so clearly on Robert's face. 

Didn't it say something about the relationship between Robert and her brother that that fear was still so present, was clawing and tearing at Robert's nerves to this day? Why didn't Robert know that Aaron loved him, that he wouldn't leave him no matter what? Why didn't he know? Why hadn't Aaron made sure that he knew? How long had Robert been walking a high wire, trying to avoid a single misstep that would send him toppling down down down? How long had this fear been taking its toll, doing its damage? 

Too long. For far too long, she realized as she looked at his chalky pallor. 

She needed to fix it. She needed to talk to Robert, to talk to Aaron, to force the two of them to talk to each other. She had so many things she needed to say, things she wished she'd made a point of saying long before this situation arose.

She wanted to tell Robert that Aaron wasn't the only one that knew him, that loved him, for all his faults and flaws. He was her brother, just as much as Aaron was, her family. She wanted to tell him he kept he going, kept her happy, kept her strong for all those weeks Aaron was locked up in prison. She wanted to tell him that he was the only person that could always, no matter her mood, make her smile and laugh and feel like herself again.

And, more than anything, she wanted to make that fear in his heart that was always, always there, but that flared up so intensely following Aaron's sharp reprimand, disappear. Because Robert didn't deserve to feel afraid. He didn't deserve to have any doubt in his mind that they, that she and Vic and Chas and Aaron, thought he was worth staying for.

END of CHAPTER 23


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